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My results was okay... Fine... Just quite disappointed for the B+. And I sort of got over it yesterday. BUT THEN, mom started nagging about every single thing, and relating everything to the B+, then my grandma happened. I know she probably didn't mean it that way, but it was really disturbing. And my mom was solely trying to make me feel worse than I feel right now. I didn't shed a single tear on Thursday, I came home, apologized with a cupcake, and acted like I was okay with it all. And now she thinks that I don't feel guilty, I'm not upset about it, and I'm not learning from it.

THE TRUTH IS I FREAKING WISH I DID BETTER AND I REALLY WANT TO BURY MYSELF IN A FREAKING HOLE AND DIE BUT I KNOW LIFE DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY SO I'M TRYING VERY VERY HARD TO RECOVER AND MOVE ON AND STOP SULKING OR COMPLAINING.

I know family and friends got like 10A+'s and stuff, I wish I did too, trust me, but I didn't. And I know it's nobody's fault but mine, but there's really  no need to remind me every second, that I failed to reach your target, then I wasn't the best among everybody else. As nonchalant as I may seem, I want to be that good too, I want to be able to drop jaws when I tell people about my achievement too. It's not just you.

What you see is just what you see. Stop acting like you understand everything, stop commenting on every little thing I do, stop saying it okay one second and shake your head with disappointment on the next. I'll really appreciate it if you just tell me up front that you're disappointed and tell me that I could have done better than hinting it in every sentence you speak. It's driving me nuts. And you have no idea how hard I was trying to not cry this afternoon. 

I guess this is what you'll always get for being stronger than expected. People take your feelings for granted. No, they just assume that you have none. You're forever the one to be blamed when something happens, when the other party cries and whines and you just stay silent. Sometimes, when something is not shown, it doesn't mean that it's non-existence. Sometimes, that person just wanna keep it low and let it slowly fade away. But you're making it so damn impossible, that I wake up recalling that I didn't do my job properly, that I'm a failure, that I'm a shame. 

I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you want me to be. And I just realized that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be, cuz there will always be people who are better, and there will always be a comparison.