Maybe Santa really exists

But maybe he/she doesn't have to be wearing a red coat, or have long white beard. Maybe he/she doesn't have a reindeer entourage, or squeeze through the chimney to get to you. Maybe because he/she has always been next to you.

Before you close you eyes to wish for miracles to happen, or write a letter of a list of things you want to receive and send it to God-knows-where, maybe you should turn around to give whoever that's next to you in bed, or the driver/passenger seat and thank the universe for the best present you've ever received.

Why ask for items when you have a human with a beating heart and flowing veins holding your hands and making you laugh every single day?

Sometimes, I don't even think that I'm half of what you are to me and I wonder what's the motivation for you do go through so much trouble to grant something I asked for so casually and jokingly. Something I wouldn't even remember myself saying if it wasn't for you (ie. wanting a tree... or a reindeer).

Thank you for being both Santa and the gift. Thank you for being more than just a Christmas present because every single day with you is like a wish upon a star. Thank you for loving me though I'm practically a sloth that's too lazy to act and react on most days. Thank you for climbing hills and swimming oceans to make my heart flutter (lol arrhythmia) and laugh till I had to stop to catch my breath.

Merry Christmas, I hope you had a great time too.

How dare she

The thing about people that are so good at being alone is that they actually don't mind being alone.

Less expectations, less disappointment, less stress.

They're claimed to be stronger, tougher, up to challenge the world standing on their two feet. They look like no wind can shake them, no problems can break them. They break, oh boy they break, inside.

The scariest things, to them, aren't tasks to solve. They cringe the most, at their own thoughts. Late night thoughts, as they lie in bed thinking about all the things they failed to do, the specks of imperfection that are embossed on themselves. They're difficult to love, because they don't allow themselves to receive the privilege of being cared for. Why would anybody want to invest emotions into someone so flawed?

The difficulty to reciprocate any form of affection, to render yourself vulnerable, entrusting your soul to an individual you have no control over. You can love all someone will every breath that's left to take, but you can never tie them up and make sure that they stay forever. People leave. They leave when they get bored, or tired of your nonsense. They leave when things get rough, when the tide is too high to surf through. They leave, just because they want to. And then what happens next, when you lose a piece of your heart?


They're really not tougher than most people. It's just a shell they hide their fears and emotions in, to keep whatever weaknesses locked up and shield from the reality of the world. They struggle, to find beauty in themselves, though they mostly agree that they're surrounded by beautiful people, but they're not one of them. How can a person, lacking in all aspects, deserve to flaunt their tears of fear or sadness and demand to be embraced?

What was she thinking, when she wished for a pumpkin carriage?

Maybe when she gets rid of the frizziness of her hair, learn to put make-up on her face, understand the art of clothes-shopping, drop two dress sizes, play a piano piece by ear, achieve a GPA of 4, be able to entertain everyone in the room, bake French pastries, travel the world...

Maybe then she has the rights to wish.

not so baby anymore

Eyes puffy from crying, by baby brother crunched his UPSR result slip into a ball, left it on the table and quietly made his way upstairs, cooped himself in his room all day.

Along with read letters and opened envelops, my mom unknowingly threw the ball of  'rubbish' away. Only having to rummage through the trash to retrieve the evidence of my brother's completing primary school.

I suppose the way he reacted was perfectly normal. Just that he usually acts so nonchalanty when it comes to academic results. I never thought it would affect him that much. Heck I didn't even think that he was serious when he announced that he was hoping for straight A's. We all thought he was joking. 

'我不是看扁他', my mom explained over the phone. He is just different from my sister and I, and my mom has a whole new set of standards for him.

I wanted to call, and tell him that nobody remembers anything about UPSR. Even if we do, we don't care. But maybe it's important for him to feel the impact of the insufficiency in his efforts at least right now. To know that he has to work for what he desires and a wish upon a star won't work.

Seeing him acting so dramatically, I thought of the small things that little-me had fussed over, and all the tiny hiccups that current-me still make a big deal of. Looking back at the stress I put myself through, the tantrums that I threw, it all seem so stupid now.

'It's not worth it,' I was tempted to tell him, but I guess it's only human for us to live and react to that very moment. That's life after all, the present.

Sugar coated

Ten years ago, I was upset because I got caned for getting 50% for dictation. And then mom came back from work with a box with pink and orange rings on it. A bad day fixed with half a dozen of Dunkin' Donuts shared among the family after dinner. 

Ten years later, I am desperately trying to fix a day gone wrong, with pieces of dark chocolate and senseless YouTube videos, alone in my room.

I'm not sure if I miss the doughnuts more, 

or the eagerness on my mom's face, trying to cheer me up.

mindblown

HUMAN BEING - a man, woman, or child of the species Homo sapiens, distinguished from other animals by superior mental development, power of articulate speech, and upright stance.

hmmmm.....

'see that arrow? yeah go park on it.'

I stood there, confused, for a very long moment.

Hoping that the driver will come running back from the autopay machine, or something. Anything.

But nope.

I really wanted to give him/her the benefit of the doubt, but I couldn't find a good reason to convince myself.

Maybe the carpark was REALLY full when he/she came in.

Maybe he/she came from a country whereby the head of the arrow means 'park here'.

Maybe he/she didn't notice that it wasn't a lot.

Or maybe he/she was just that big of a moron.

play the men, not the game

this weekend reminded me the feeling of having adrenaline gushing through my veins. my heart pounding, sweat dripping, eyes focused, my legs moving by default.

part of a team. something i haven't been since high school. i almost forgot what it feels like, to be a vital piece, to thrive towards a common goal. its astonishing, how a sport so foreign, a field i have not stepped foot on, could feel so welcoming.

both game days were attacked by hazy and dust particles-filled air, the second with the sun more scorching than the first. the warm breezes like the tip of lit candles brushing against our skins, uv rays got my a few shades browner.

every game, we stood by the field, reading the opponents, screaming commands. every sub-in, i ran a speed i did not know i was capable of. the humidity, the heat, the tightness of my right lateral tibial band all masked by surges of adrenaline.

here i am, still recovering from dehydration, tanner than ever, ready to start my training for my virgin 42k. mind you, the closest preparation i have is a finisher's medal of a 21k that was cancelled due to poor air quality.

carry on

Yesterday, I woke up to a whole new semester. Three systems to cover, 4 months to wiggle through.

Today, I have one week left to finish my second system, and apparently I'm halfway through?

I cannot wrap my head around how August gave way to September, and how September silently merged into October. One moment ago it was the beginning of year two, and now I have one system and one week left to complete half of my second year in medicine.

*Cliche warning!*

Where did all the time go?

If there's one thing I have to talk about, on how med school changed me, it'll be the transformation of a typical totally Chinese-educated student, to one that is less obsessive about attendance and A's and knowing everything at the back of her head. Medicine taught me that I can never grasp all the knowledge in the world, and sometimes, it doesn't even matter. It's the learning and the 'ohhh' moments that make studying somewhat less dreadful. It's the ability to relate the tiny words in the textbooks to real life, and in my case, a human being that needs help.

My heart is already making its way to December. An entire month to be spent at home, with a well-equipped kitchen and a garden with water features to calm my soul.

october . november. december

20

Can't wait for the cities I'll visit

the sunsets I'll witness

the snowfalls I'll be amazed by

Here I am, close enough to the city

to see it's sparkles

but far enough for my mind to wander

Twenty

too old to slap someone without getting sued

too young to stay guarded 

Youth

Being a teenager is one of the best things anyone can be.

Being a teenagers means that you have a huge future ahead. It means that you haven't been through enough to be accountable for bad decisions and judgements. You're young. You're an asset, you're a glow waiting to shine. You're too young, young enough to afford to make stupid mistakes, too young to be blamed for making them. You can screw up, because you have your entire life to make it right. You can drop everything, go to a whole new place, reset your life, because you haven't gone that far anyway. You can get your heart broken and have it mend by somebody else along the way, because you keep meeting new people, all kinds of people and someone you'll eventually find the most potential in maybe, 

Being a teenager means adrenaline. You have all the energy to train for a marathon, or a triathlon, or climb a mountain, or sail across the sea. Your muscles just keeps on repairing and growing each time you injure them. The aches last for nothing more than two days. Your back straightens gracefully after bending and squatting for an hour. You sleep at 3am and wake up at 7am and jump into a new day right away, everything can be fixed with a cold latte. You go to class in the morning, hang out in a mall in the afternoon, catch a movie, then watch football matches at mamak till 1am, then grab a late night McNuggets after, and go to class again the next morning. 

Being a teenager means recovery. For most teens, our problems are really not that problematic, though it seemed like the end of the world then. 8am lectures, failing a class test, being grounded for a week, a broken phone, pants getting tighter, that boy that didn't like you back... At least our problems didn't involve kids, or a bank account. When you're 13 and you think that your life sucks, chances are things are going to change in a week's time, or less. Nothing is ever permanent, no damage is strictly irreversible, unless you killed someone. Recovery is almost instant, destruction is practically minimal. You fall, and bounce back up within seconds, your wound heals in no time.

Being a teenager means taking risks. You really don't have that much to lose. The people who really matter can't really ditch you, because you're bonded by blood. You have the physical strength to lift however heavy you train yourself to, you have the technology and response fast enough to find your way out when you're lost. You don't have many valid excuses for the risks that you didn't take. Nobody really judges you, and your peers don't count, because they don't know better. You're always given the benefit of the doubt, so why not make full use of it?

Learn, before your mind slows down. Run, before your joints start to ache. Read, before your eyesight deteriorates. Love, before it's too late. Travel, before you're tied down by work. Find your passion, before you have to submit to reality. Hope, before you become a practical adult. Study, when your family still supports you. Explore, because the world is infinite. Write, just so you'll remember. Drink, so you can forget. 

One full day to the end of my teen. 

Can't wait to see how the future looks like.

Semester Three

Soon: 1.5/5.5 years

Things I'm thankful for:

1. Less 8am classes
2. Finally accepting the fact that pharmacology lectures are not worth going
3. Day-off's
4. Less microscopic images
5. Enough time to go out for lunch (LOL)


No, Just no. :
1. Anatomy
2. More anatomy
3. One thousand organs all packed in your abdomen
4. Abdominal (& rectal/asshole) examination
5. 5pm classes
6. HUGE words


Week 4 of semester 3, and I'm so not ready for the renal system. I feel like, I ended up giving up on like 30% of my notes. I've decided to give up on embryology, and now pharmacology, and probably microbiology later on. Might as well just study histology and pathology and let go of everything else. I've acknowledged the fact that there's no point studying my ass of at this moment. I'm not going to remember more than half of it by the time study break comes.

9 days, RM3000 and lessons learnt

1. Foreign and alone. I'd do it all again.

It's true that there are times when I felt a bit isolated, especially when I saw something really out of this world and realised that I have no one to point it out to (Snapchat doesn't count). I took numerous strolls in beautiful gardens, blooming with flowers, telling myself that I'll bring somebody special the next time I visit again. But I think a trip (or two) by myself is somewhat a healthy way to get myself together, and maybe learn about myself and get to know myself better. It's not that I didn't want to have anybody with me, or that I rather explore alone than with anybody else, because I know I'll enjoy myself as much, or even more, if I had the people I love with me. But I don't think I'll regret my decision of travelling alone, though I wasn't completely on my own, grateful for all the familiar company I had with me over in Melbourne. 

It's quite selfish for me to say this, but sometimes, it feels amazing to know that at least for that moment, the world you see belongs to you, and your next step does not involve any consideration of the best interests of anybody else. It's not everyday that you get to do whatever your heart desires, given the reality of the world. There will always be weighing against pros and cons, drawing out consequences, benefits and risks. At least for that small fraction of your life, it's entirely up to you. 

2. Noticing the minor details.

When you're travelling with others, chances are at some point you'll be too tired or too carried away to take note of what's going on, or how you even got to where you were. Travelling alone is like some survival mission, where every small detail counts. Though I'm not totally familiar with the tram lines, but at least I managed to make out the important routes, mostly by tracing the tram trails by foot. I walked the entire city. Brunswick East to CBD, Central to Fitzroy, the Museum all the way to QV...

I got lost every single day, from the moment I stepped out of the bus from the airport. I was lost. And I took an hour to find Mel, from Southern Cross to the City Hall on Swanston. I thought I was gonna stay lost forever, because the tram system was nothing like what I read online.

Being on my own kept my eyes open. And I think there's no better way to truly experience life there.

3. I actually really like flowers.

I think 30% of my pictures are snapshots of flower beds and flower stalls in the market or along the streets. 

My point is, you really discover a lot more about yourself. Things that you didn't even know. You find new passion, and (maybe) figure out what you want or care about in life. You realise what and who is important to you. You find yourself wishing that someone else was there with you, and you can't wait to tell them your stories. You learn more about your heart, and how you function, and what matters the most.

4. Time did not exist.

Don't like the museum? Leave halfway or skip it altogether! 

What you like to do may be pointless to others. I really like long walks through the parks, and I prefer walking instead of tramming. I know that if I was with my family, my brother would flip, because water hens and ducks and exotic flowers don't appeal to him at all.

I emptied out a number of days, and left them unplanned. Honestly, I did nothing productive, saw nothing very spectacular, or visited none of the mandatory tourist spots on those days. I just walked and walked, stopped when I saw something interesting, and kept on walking again. Maybe you might think that I'm wasting my precious time there, not seeing what I should be seeing, but I like it that way. I didn't go to Hosier Lane, or took any pictures at the Federation Square and Southbank. I didn't line up for Short Stop doughnuts, or spend an entire day in Philip Island, but honestly, I don't regret my do-nothing-days at all.

5. "Go pose in front of the ____ so I can take a picture for you!"

I didn't have to go through that a lot. I don't like "the monument and I" pictures.

The monument alone is enough.

6. Gelato for lunch.

No elaboration needed.

:)

is when your friends visit you during your lunch break on a working Sunday and make you laugh like mad.

Departure | Arrival

Aug 7, 1.15am (Malaysian time)

Currently: kilometers above sea level, a sky full of stars, too awake to sleep.

The amount of stars I'm able to see through the window is ridiculously amazing. The main reason of my love for night flights. That and the sunrise. I can never explain my obsession over the sun and the sky. But they're so huge and distinct and hold no selfishness. What's not to love about them?

I'm hungry.

Aug 15, 12.31pm (Melbourne time)

En route home, to summer and reality.

I've come to accept that if my trip does not have an end, it won't be a trip, and it won't be as appreciated as it is right now. I like how it ended. Traveling to South Melbourne for a local market, up north for fish and chips, then down south again for the coast. Seeing the entire city reflect the golden sunset, the sun sinking beyond the horizon of the South Pacific Ocean. Winter fireworks lighting up the (very) cloudy night sky, with fine raindrops falling on my hoodie, and squeezing in packed Friday night trams back for a late dinner. 

I remember the first time I saw the waters of the Pacific Ocean, my mom told me that this very sea can bring me to anywhere I want to go. Since then, I'll always feel a certain sense of excitement and awe when I stand facing that magical surface of salty liquid as if it's a magic carpet. I never understood why people would want to settle and remain on the same ground all their lives while they are free to go to anywhere they want. Maybe it's a blessing to be able to find satisfaction at where they are, but I can never get over how large the planet is, how small I am, and how much the world and its wonders have to offer. I'd pick different cities and worn sneakers over owning a car and being the boss of a bunch of working adults any day.

Till next time, Melbourne.

Good morning Melbourne city

This can-be-considered-solo trip was one of the best decisions I've made this year thus far, or maybe one of the wisest decisions I've made my entire life. I've been wanting to visit Melbourne since I set foot in the land of Aussie last winter, because I really enjoyed Brisbane (Gold Coast not so much) and I wanted to see what a bigger city can offer. Partly also because I'm aware that I might never get to study here in Melbourne. Sydney and Tasmania maybe, but not Melbourne. And having friends here made it a much better choice, since I was very sure that I wanted to come alone. Not that I didn't want company, but I wanted it to be a step that will bring about growth, and this isn't something I can achieve if I have people sharing my fears and struggles that comes together with a foreign country with me.

This trip had brought about growth and a whole lot of learning. It's more like an opportunity to experience what it's like studying abroad. It's not glamorous or anymore convenient than being at home, but it has inspired me in so many ways. I used to think that it was just for the quality of the education in developed countries that matters, and the 'experience' was just something parents and students hang on to in order to make themselves feel better of the money spent.

After these few days of wondering around, getting lost, stumbling across campuses and accommodations, I realised that maybe, just maybe, the experience will have more impact on the students themselves rather than the education. I don't think anything can replace the opportunity of being overseas on your own, and having to shape and create an entire life in a foreign land. Nothing can ever open your eyes to the possibilities and the different paths the world has to offer. Being in a vastly international society made me realise how small I am, and how narrow my window to the world has been at home. 

I think, I've spend way too much time and energy on patty elements that will not even affect 1% of my future. What mattered to me the most at that time isn't want that really matters. It's hard to explain. As much as I love being at home, surrounded by comfort and convenience, I have never wanted to be away so much. I may be wrong, but I think that if I continue to be where I am, and be who I am, I'm just static. I miss home, and everything else that comes with it, but I'm in love with learning something every single day, and being amazed by different ways of life, technologies and cultures.

The grass is not always greener on the other side. But so far the other side hasn't disappointed me yet, except for cold toilet seats and 30km/h winds.

Hi I like walking in the woods with you.

These few days of post-exam agenda had been nothing short of happiness and fullness.

Thank you for being my Santa, for the warmth and fuzziness, for putting up with my nonsense (mostly by creating more nonsense).

I'll miss your forehead kisses and your never-ending teases.

See you :)

When the hours didn't matter and all we had (and/or needed) was each other

And I consider myself a 'home person'

You have no idea how much I wish I can be one of those people who are everywhere all the time. To wake up in different cities of different time zones, surrounded by different languages and cultures. Different kinds of breakfasts, different ways of ordering coffee, walking to everywhere, taking roofless buses, crowded subways and different kinds of winters and autumns.

I want my passport full of stamps, extra thick with all the Visa's attached, my luggage bag stuck with stickers, used too often to collect dusts. I want my computer's memory to be taken up by thousands and thousands of pictures, pictures of sunsets, streets, monuments and cozy cafes/diners.

It's not the place or the people that I'm bored of. It's the routine. It feels like I'm just going through day by day, until I come to the next huge change.

cowardice

i don't know if i'm more afraid of the answer or the question itself

but is a question even considered a valid one if you already know the solution

In 16 hours...

Good morning, my name is Loo Yi Jia and I'm a first-year medical student. Can I confirm that you're Mr/Ms so-and-so? I'm sent here today to do a brief examination of your chest. This can help us to obtain a better understanding of your condition. This process will involve me inspecting your chest and touching your chest area. You will need to remove your upper garment to expose your chest. A chaperon is provided and all my findings will be kept confidential between me, you, and the medical team in charge. With that being said, do I have your consent to proceed?

Thank you. Now please remove your upper garment as I wash my hands.

Are you in any pain?

Mr/Ms so-and-so, age, is lying propped up 45 degrees on the couch. He appears to be conscious, alert and communicative. He does not seem to be in obvious pain or any respiratory distress. He is well-built and well-nourished and has no visible medical gadgets attached to him. 

Now can you take a deep breath in? And breath out. Thank you.

The patient's chest does not seem to have any gross deformities, no surgical scars, no distended veins and visible pulsations. There are no injuries, no redness or any other lesions. The chest rises and falls symmetrically with respiration. The anterior-posterior diameter is about half of the lateral diameter. 

blah blah blah

I'm done with my examination and all the information I've gathered will be passed to my consultant. Do you have any questions for me? 

You may put on your clothing now. Thank you for your time.

Study break is a misnomer

There is no 'break' in study break. Call it study week, or an-opportunity-for-students-to-catch-up-so-that-they-don't-screw-up. Not study BREAK.

Waking up at 7.30am just so that I can have breakfast before heading over to uni, half groggy, at 8.30am to avoid the line of people queueing up to prick two fake, over-pricked, plastic arm covered with a layer of skin-coloured latex. Asking questions that no medical practitioner bothers to ask, before pumping the sphygnomanometre. Creating cases and medical histories that even I myself is unsure of the diagnosis just so that I can be bombarded by questions (following solid sequences) by my friends, and me asking them about a non-existent chest pain that radiates to their arm and jaw. Touching my friends' chests, percussing on their clavicles till they turn red, listening to their heartbeat (not as romantic as you expect it to be) and caressing their hands once in a while, or maybe look into their ears, telling them that they need to clean them.

Camping in Chatime after lunch, trying to drill 3 major systems into my brain, learning how to differentiate all four leukemias through PBS's, although nobody does this anymore. I can now tell you, in details, the ways you can die via faults in your heart, vessels, lungs and blood, but I have no idea how to help you if you choke on a peanut.

What break?


Though it's not all bad. I don't think I've learnt as much as I did these few weeks throughout the entire year. Knowing that I'm so close to completing my first year, out of five and a half, one step closer to wherever I will end up. It's quite satisfying, now that I can at least understand half (plus-minus) of the things my parents are talking about over dinner, and actually ask constructive questions, throwing in a medical term or two.

One more week to (the start of) the final straw for year-one.

I can't wait for 2/5.5.

cotton candy floating in the sky

Dear me (on a bad day)

The best day of your life so far lasted for 24 hours, so will today. Fix it, if you can. If not, go to bed early. Take a warm bath, boil some water to make a cup of green tea, dry you hair, and sleep. Time passes faster when you're unconscious.

Go out. You know you don't like being cooped indoor, facing concrete or things that run on electricity. Go jog around the park, or just walk. Spend time with what you like the most- trees and animals and clouds and the sunset. You know you can never resist a beautiful sunset with clouds with colours of cotton candy. Let yourself sweat away the frustrations. It won't solve anything, but it lets you view everything from different perspectives.

Cook up a good meal. A healthy one that will make you feel better. Make a casserole dish, and top it off with way too much mozzarella cheese. Make some iced lemon infused water to wash it down, and maybe ice cream after.

Make a call home. Mom will always simplify everything. Or talk to dad, he'll tell you that it's really not that important of an issue to stress about.

You are human too

We are at our the most demanding, meanest, most unforgiving form when it comes to dealing with ourselves. And I'm learning. I'm learning to be as nice and respectful to myself as I am (usually) to others.

I don't know how much this applies to you, but sometimes, it is almost as if I stopped remembering that I am human, that I tend to not be as perfect as what I expect myself to be. Not holding grudges against people and their mistakes is rather an easy task for me. I forgive easily, though I don't forget, but I'd happily give most people a very fair share of allowance for mistakes and bad decisions, because they're human. 'People' doesn't include myself. 

I get angry at myself too easily, and I stay pissed at myself for way too long. Forgiving myself, one of the most difficult things to do. It is tough, letting it go, when I know that I could've done better. It's hard to tell myself that it's okay, for slipping and tripping once in awhile. I know the road isn't well-paved, I know that it's full of traps and stones getting in the way, but why couldn't I be more careful, why didn't I choose a smarter route?

When my brother got a low C (almost failing, in a Chinese primary school) for one of this papers, I told my mom that 'it's just an exam', and that 'he can do better next time'. But getting a B for Sem 1, I felt like I didn't deserve to even be sitting for the exam. It made me question every single decision I made. No I didn't tell anybody how I really felt, because I know how stupid it will sound, out loud. It was just 100 multiple choices questions, it doesn't mean anything. But it was just 100 multiple choices questions, why couldn't I ace that?

Being nice to people around me is easy. Smiling when I see people coming into the elevator in the morning, saying 'it's okay' when someone accidentally drops my pen or steps on my foot. But man it's hard to not be disappointed at myself, when I fail to revise the lectures I had in my 'to-study list', when I finish the entire bag of biscuits when I promised myself that I'll have the discipline to stop after 4 pieces, when I mentally plan to go for a jog the night before and feel too lazy in the morning, when I can't seem to answer my friend's questions on mitral stenosis although I've read the lecture, when I end up wasting my time watching YouTube instead of being productive...

I feel guilty, way too often. Sometimes to the point that I forget that I deserve entertainment, or to let my guards down, and relax. I feel guilty for not studying, for not acing my exams, for eating too much, for spending too much, for not exercising, for not talking to my family, for not going home to spend time with them, for wanting something that I can totally live without. It is almost as if I feel guilty for being happy. It's like, when I'm too happy my brain will start to search for all the faults, like I'm not suppose to be this contented and satisfied with myself. 

I'm trying. Convincing myself that I can't always know all the solutions or the answers to every single question. I won't always make the best call in life. There will be people ahead of me, smarter, more accomplished, have a better figure, or shinier hair (ok maybe I don't really obsess with my hair at least). There will always be those who can ace everything despite making the process look so effortless.

I'll remember, to work hard for what I want to achieve. And try, to remember to stop along the way, to allow myself to breathe, and steal a glimpse of the view around me. To laugh at jokes because they're funny, to sing along out loud to the songs playing from the stereo, to love because it makes me feel complete, to be loved because I deserve affection too.

Early bird

Reasons to wake up just half an hour earlier:

- The sunrise : Technically the sun has already risen by 7 but at least I can still see some post-sunrise coloured clouds.

- To open the window : Honestly, I hate air-con rooms, because the air is just so dry and stale. The only reason I switch it on at night is so that I can still use my blanket and not get a heat stroke. I love the feeling of pushing the window planes outwards the first thing I wake up in the morning, and inhale before cars come and ruin the air for me.

- To make coffee, and drink it with whatever pace I want : If I don't wake up earlier I'll end up swallowing everything in 3 big gulps, or pouring it into a small container and drink it in class, which really doesn't feel as satisfying.

- Read something. I personally HATE reading the news because all it's telling me is what's wrong with the world I live in, and that's like the last thing I want to be reminded of in the morning or at nights or at any point of the day. I just don't get the concept of reading the news the first thing in the morning because it annoys me more than anything. The negativity is unbearable. Instead, I always find myself reading blogs or articles over my morning coffee. Passages that make me like the world a little more.

- I get to use my table lamp (LOL) : I don't use my table lamp when I study. Natural light is enough in the late morning or afternoon. I use the ceiling fluorescent tube when it turns dark. There's no in between for me to utilise my yellow lamp. Hence morning, when it's not pitch black nor is it day-bright. 

- Rinse : Ok I'm gonna come clean. I don't have the habit of showering (or even rinsing) in the morning before I head out to start my day. I usually just jump up as my alarm sets off, brush my teeth, wash my face, gulp down whatever liquid I feel like drinking, change, and I'm out. So at least if I'm up earlier I can take a cold (or warm) rinse, depending on my mood, and smell like my baby bath lol....

- Stretch : Yes I do warm-up stretches in the morning. I don't even know why but it feels good so why not?

- BREAKFAST : For the past semester, I've forced myself to be okay with not having breakfast before my first class. It was miserable. And all there is that's affordable (not a rip-off) on campus are very pathetic sandwiches or pastries. Wait they are still rip-offs considering the quality. So waking up early means having time to heat up my homemade muffins or toast my homemade breads. Or microwaving my oatmeal. Or scooping yoghurt into a bowl of cereal.

Okay time's up. 8am clinical skills God bless me.

5 of 12

Today marks the final week of May. Flowers blooming in the north, people counting down days when they can finally be on their way home and have roti canai that doesn't cost pounds. Snow was falling in New Zealand last night, and the rest of the south hemisphere prepping for shorter days and longer nights. 

And I can't wait.

I can't wait for people to come back, after 3 full seasons, with stories (and snacks from parts of the world). I can't wait to fulfill all the promises made through Skype calls and random Whatsapp chats. I can't wait to board on my flight to Melbourne, and explore a city that's more Malaysian than any other city you can find, but yet so Australian at the same time. I can't wait to feel the excitement of waking up in an unfamiliar room, the floor tiles too cold to be stepped on with my entire sole, and having cheap, good bread with Chobani yoghurt that for once, isn't overpriced. 

Despite looking forward to August, I've been going through quite a lot of discovery lately. Things I've always overlooked, or maybe too timid to try, sides of myself that was never explored. And I guess I'm just amazed of the thrill fresh experiences and discoveries can bring me. At least I've got a glimpse of what 'just do it' really means, the art of going with your heart and desires without giving much thought (or obsession) over what other people might think, or what they might say about me. I've come to realise that giving someone the power to affect your performance or your entire personality isn't trust, or love or anything great. It's quite dumb, because nobody is obligated to stand by you through it all. 

If to love is to be vulnerable, then what's so great about it? Getting hurt and screwed over because of one's persistence isn't glorious. It's like touching a fence that has a sign written 'caution' with a skull below it and getting electrocuted after that. You'll  only be criticised for your stupidity, not glorified for your bravery. 

Complete

I had the best day. 

I woke up at 9.15am, with the morning sun shining bright outside, with my only lecture of the day at 1.30pm.

I got up, gave myself a good stretch, washed up, and threw on a knitted top, one that makes me feel like it's autumn. 

I skipped breakfast, grabbed a hot mocha, and went straight to the library to catch up on lectures from the previous day. 

Lunch was chilli pan mee with my best company.

5.30pm, it was too sunny to run outside, but I went anyways. Rounds around the lake, and I leap up the stairs, panting so hard and giving up halfway, walking the remainding steps up.

I was greeted by the most amazing view, ever. A Malaysian flag waving along with the wind, a peak overlooking the entire stadium, cars racing through the MEX highway, and countless of apartments surrounding the university. 

It caught me breathless (literally), I didn't want to leave. I wanted, so badly, to wait for another half an hour, to watch the sunset, and I would've done it if I weren't alone, or if the security here was better. 

I dragged myself down from the hill at 6.40pm, and exited the park, towards home and an evening sun that looked a lot like an egg yolk. My heart felt full.

'Unconditionally' does not exist.

Human-to-human relationships are too fragile to be stretched across boundaries, responsibilities and expectations. 

People will always be selfish (even the kindest souls).

We will always be seeking for more.

Medicine vs indulgence

I miss the sound of flowing water, and the occasional splashing of birds cleaning themselves on the fountain, the feel of the morning breeze on my face, through my hair, the smell of toasts and my bunny sniffing and nibbling on my toes.

I miss unproductive mornings, spending four hours, 8am to 12pm, sitting in the garden, reading books that weren't educational, or informative. 

Books that didn't have pictures of organs and vessels branching out with lables, or big words like 'paroxysmal nocturnal dyspnoea', and unpronounciable French terms like 'torsades de pointes'. 

Books that contains emotions and insights that make me like the world a little better.

What's the date today?

13 months. That was fast.

You must be still fast asleep, as I type this lying on my bed, unable to go back to sleep after getting up to pee. 

If I were to sum up the impact of this relationship on me, I'd say that it helped me grow more than anything else. It's like... Getting a pet, or having a kid... It's responsibility and dedication and lots of tolerance but you know that you don't ever want to give up. You willingly give, because what you get in return, is each other's happiness - no better treasure than that.

We are way past the so-called 'honeymoon period', where we'd say and do anything that makes each other feel like a Disney fairytale character. I don't smile with my heart secretly melting inside when you try a cheesy punch line on me anymore. Instead, I roll my eyes and (usually) say 'that's so not smooth' and have you tickling me afterwards to make me appogize and give you credits for your efforts. It feels real now. (Not that it wasn't real before. You know what I mean.)

'We' helped me grow in the most painless ways. It's enjoyable actually. I think you'd agree too. And it seems like the growing is neverending. We learn something through/about each other every single day, we learn how to live with it and accept it. It makes me wonder if I can ever understand you thoroughly. But then we don't even really understand ourselves inside out.

I don't wanna be one of those people who celebrate every monthsary like they can't believe that they managed to make it that far. I just want every 14th to be a reminder of how much this mean to me, and to refresh my promises to be a better person.

Thank you for the free lessons and joy. Here's to more 'driving all the way to IKEA for meatballs and 80 cent ice creams'.

The other side of the curtain

I wasn't prepared to witness my first death. Not in the first year of med school. Not a sudden death of a 53-year-old. Not in a community clinic. Not as a distant observer who had no rights to even stand at the other side of the half-drawn curtain.

I expected an emergency case to be... Well... More like an emergency. Doctor throwing orders, nurses and assistants dashing across the room, wheeling machines and fetching instruments. It wasn't like that. 

Her oxygen mask was handheld by an assistant, who later taped it to her with strips of micropore. There was no defibrillator, no '1, 2, 3, clear'. The ECG machine wasn't bleeping. It was a flat line. 

There were two handful of people taking turns to pump her chest, 3 tubes of adrenaline injected into her bloodstream, a tube stuck down her throat to try to assist her breathing, her daughter, still clueless of her absent pulse standing outside clutching on her phone, and a flat ECG. That poor girl, uninformed that she lost her mother to 3 days of fever, a breathless morning and an unknown cause of death. 

"Dia pengsan," (she passed out) her daughter told me calmly, as they resuscitated her in the car. She was just standing there and looking, strong as a tower, thinking that her mother would just return from unconsciousness in no time, I suppose. It was her fist time collapsing, despite a long history of inherited hypertension and acquired diabetes. 

I did not stay on to watch the doctor break the news to her daughter, but seeing her sobbing silently, fingers trembling, sitting alone at the far corner of the room. It was enough to feel a twist in my heart. The twist became a knot when the rest of the family arrived. Although filled with grief, they had to arrange the logistics with the police. The body wasn't released. An autopsy had to be done. As if losing her wasn't enough, she had to be tore apart.

'Attach the leads, press print'

- How to Take an ECG
Then why can't the machine analyse the printouts for me too?

"By week five, we'll end (up) with heart failure,"

what we were told on the first day of the semester.

Well, the last lectures are about HF.

Four weeks into CVS and no signs of angina or palpitations.
Kids, exercise. It helps.



I have no idea how I'm suppose to understand (and remember) everything that can go wrong with a human heart in 5 weeks. That blob of muscle is way too complex. And I'm suppose to figure out a diagnosis by looking at 9 crooked lines and listening to 4 points of the chest? Gosh I don't even know what a normal heart beat should sound like anymore.

At least those lectures for the past weeks managed to motivate me to actually exercise more regularly and try to avoid char kuay teow...

Second quarter

It's April. Meaning a quarter of the year has gone by. 

I miss December(s).

I miss going to places I've never been.

I miss excitement and anticipation. 

I miss feeling my heart race, fumbling with my camera, kneeling on the ground to get a good angle.

I miss the cold and bald trees. 

I miss waking up in unfamiliar rooms, breakfast that I'll probably never have again.

Roller coaster

Boy it's been one hell of a week.

Every evening, I come home, and all I could do was to change into shorts and lie flat on my bed. Too worn to do anything productive, too lazy to even cook myself dinner, so exercising was out of the picture. So much for 'regular exercise' resolution. Most of the time I was confused it I was mentally or physically tired. I can't even distinguish the two anymore, or maybe they're somewhat related?

I just spent two hours of my life figuring out 12 ECG graphs, Googling terminology after terminology, method after method... Just to know which side of the heart underwent hypertrophy. In movies, it all seem so simple. If the monitor keeps bleeping regularly, that person is good. If the rhythm is irregular, or goes faster, he's dying. If it's a long bleep dragging through, he's gone. Simple. But NOOOO... 

I'm so glad that I decided to go home tomorrow night, after days of consideration. 2 days of break is better than none, despite all the time spent travelling and settling down. 2 weeks into Semester 2 and I can't wait for it to be over.

still searching

Sometimes, I wish that I am one of those people who find their passion by just playing in the playground as children. They have it easy, not having to go through the process of finding themselves. But come to think of it, it's also quite a privilege, to be able to go on such a long search. At least my journey is a story worth telling.

I like spending my time on a lot of things, but I'm still waiting to stumble across a particular one that makes my heart race and smiles of satisfaction, like 'this is it'. My eureka moment or something like that, as cliche as it sounds. 

Maybe there is no such moment, maybe it'll only happen gradually, as I invest my time and effort. Maybe it's like falling in love, most people don't get princes racing on horses just to save them from the evil witch. Maybe passion is earned, like affection. Not overnight, not at first glance, maybe it takes time.

Boy I've tried. Music, running, games, reading, writing, studying (heck), drawing, painting, photography, planning... I still like doing all these, but they're not 'it'.

Perhaps I'm looking too far, beyond sight. Maybe my passion is food. Searching for inspirations and ideas online and on Instagram, trying strange combinations, critisizing like a real critic, loving the smell of freshly baked cookies more than Chanel fragrances, choosing take-outs over flowers... It's a sign, no?

great expectations?

Sometimes, I really wonder what I'm trying to do to myself.

I don't understand why I expect so much from the stuff I do or care about. What do I plan to do with all that perfections? Nothing. I just want everything to be shiny and pretty, it makes me feel accomplished. And when it doesn't turn out to be what I expected, I just feel so bad about myself, like I'm the most terrible, unaccomplished person in the world. Talk about self image. 

I just can't comprehend not getting the end product I want. I know I'm making my own life miserable by wanting so much, but I can't help it. My sense of satisfaction and self appreciation comes from achieving my aspirations. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that being perfect in a certain field doesn't make me a perfect person. Heck I don't even want to be perfect, but I just tend to seek flawlessness in certain things, and I don't even know why.

I wish leaves turn orange here too.

baby steps

learning:

- to love parts of myself that aren't worth loving

- to change parts of myself that I can't even stand

- to be honest to myself

- to give my heart the attention it deserves

- to see beauty in everything

What's wrong with finding comfort in silence?

'She's very quiet' 

This is the top (9 out of 10) comment I get during parents-teachers' meetings, what most people say when they're asked to give a brief description of me, first impressions at least. And most of the time, their tones carry slight hints of accusation. It's more of a criticism than a neutral comment. 

I don't understand.

Is it necessary to always have opinions on everything? What if I really have nothing to say? Do I just babble whatever unconstructive statement I can come up with? 

Do I always have to talk to people when I'm surrounded by talking beings? Do I always have to start and continue conversations when I bump into somebody I know? Is it impolite to stare at my phone or read a book when I'm sitting next to a person who is doing nothing? Is a simple greeting of hello not enough?

Why am I labeled as 'antisocial' if I find peace by just spending an entire day in my room alone? Can't I just eat dinner alone while watching Netflix instead of having a meal outside with my friends? 

Humans are divided into extroverts and introverts. But why do people tend to think that there are more faults in the latter? 

Are extroverts 'better' than introverts? Because I've always assumed that it's just a category, like male and female, or long-haired and short-haired. 

As an introvert, I accept how some people have the need to express their feelings by speaking and sounding their opinions, and how they feel more comfortable to be talking to people around them, instead of just exchanging smiles and nods. I have no problem having a conversation with anybody. But why can't other people think that it's okay for me to enjoy being the listener instead of the speaker? What if I really don't need the acknowledgment from the whole world?

If you're not too noisy, then why am I too quiet?

growth

TaiChung, winter 2014.

Orientation for the February intake of 2015 just ended, last night. Or should I say 3am this morning?

I'm not a person of noisy parties, or crowded rooms, and orientation was all that. It was 300 over juniors (strangers) crammed in a lecture hall every evening, cheering and screaming their lungs out as people performed the most random tasks and skits on stage, and running around playing games that had no solid aim or whatsoever. So I'm quite surprised, for when I said that I enjoyed it, I wasn't lying. I liked it this time round more that I liked my own orientation. Yes, the plannings and logistics were very flawed, yes we fought (almost) and argued, but I like how it gave me a change to know people who I already know all over again, and also introduced strangers that I will regret not knowing.

These two weeks felt like a vacation. A working vacation maybe. I had my responsibilities, things I had to do, people I had to look after, but it was carefree. My time spent didn't have to be productive, or constructive. I didn't have lectures to attend or read. Packing food for 20 people was a headache but I had more fun than anything else when the 2 or 3 of us walked around the food truck, mixing and matching different combinations of dishes, and saying, "Whoever that manages to take this pack is so lucky". It was all these little things.

"On the first day, they were like babies. And it's like we've been watching them grow."

Find your own happiness

Find your own happiness. Happiness that belongs to you, one that's not based on the existence of a certain someone, or something. People promise you a lot of things, but they don't always feel obliged to keep their promises.

Search for happiness that changes you for the better, that makes you shine. Happiness that gives you strength and bravery to turn your head away from elements that hold you down, because you deserve nothing less than your happiest self.

You don't owe anybody anything, but you do owe yourself a good life, a life that is worth living.

扑不灭的火

they day after Christmas 2014

the rain didn't (couldn't) stop us from lighting up a flying lantern

sending our wishes into the sky

minutes before a train came barging through where we stood

family #2

thanks for being my family: 

- moms when I'm sick

- sisters through late night girl-talkings

- aunties (sort of) when we go on our weekly Sunday marketing

thanks for being my best friends:

- standing by me through exam stresses

- helping me with anything and everything\

- my source of happiness for 1.5 years (and even after that too)

thanks for making me feel loved and taken care of

thanks for all the memories that I'll forever hold on to

can't wait to be on the same land with you three again

^

the truth

can't ask for anything more genuine