We are at our the most demanding, meanest, most unforgiving form when it comes to dealing with ourselves. And I'm learning. I'm learning to be as nice and respectful to myself as I am (usually) to others.
I don't know how much this applies to you, but sometimes, it is almost as if I stopped remembering that I am human, that I tend to not be as perfect as what I expect myself to be. Not holding grudges against people and their mistakes is rather an easy task for me. I forgive easily, though I don't forget, but I'd happily give most people a very fair share of allowance for mistakes and bad decisions, because they're human. 'People' doesn't include myself.
I get angry at myself too easily, and I stay pissed at myself for way too long. Forgiving myself, one of the most difficult things to do. It is tough, letting it go, when I know that I could've done better. It's hard to tell myself that it's okay, for slipping and tripping once in awhile. I know the road isn't well-paved, I know that it's full of traps and stones getting in the way, but why couldn't I be more careful, why didn't I choose a smarter route?
When my brother got a low C (almost failing, in a Chinese primary school) for one of this papers, I told my mom that 'it's just an exam', and that 'he can do better next time'. But getting a B for Sem 1, I felt like I didn't deserve to even be sitting for the exam. It made me question every single decision I made. No I didn't tell anybody how I really felt, because I know how stupid it will sound, out loud. It was just 100 multiple choices questions, it doesn't mean anything. But it was just 100 multiple choices questions, why couldn't I ace that?
Being nice to people around me is easy. Smiling when I see people coming into the elevator in the morning, saying 'it's okay' when someone accidentally drops my pen or steps on my foot. But man it's hard to not be disappointed at myself, when I fail to revise the lectures I had in my 'to-study list', when I finish the entire bag of biscuits when I promised myself that I'll have the discipline to stop after 4 pieces, when I mentally plan to go for a jog the night before and feel too lazy in the morning, when I can't seem to answer my friend's questions on mitral stenosis although I've read the lecture, when I end up wasting my time watching YouTube instead of being productive...
I feel guilty, way too often. Sometimes to the point that I forget that I deserve entertainment, or to let my guards down, and relax. I feel guilty for not studying, for not acing my exams, for eating too much, for spending too much, for not exercising, for not talking to my family, for not going home to spend time with them, for wanting something that I can totally live without. It is almost as if I feel guilty for being happy. It's like, when I'm too happy my brain will start to search for all the faults, like I'm not suppose to be this contented and satisfied with myself.
I'm trying. Convincing myself that I can't always know all the solutions or the answers to every single question. I won't always make the best call in life. There will be people ahead of me, smarter, more accomplished, have a better figure, or shinier hair (ok maybe I don't really obsess with my hair at least). There will always be those who can ace everything despite making the process look so effortless.
I'll remember, to work hard for what I want to achieve. And try, to remember to stop along the way, to allow myself to breathe, and steal a glimpse of the view around me. To laugh at jokes because they're funny, to sing along out loud to the songs playing from the stereo, to love because it makes me feel complete, to be loved because I deserve affection too.
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