Wonderstruck

Happy Easter people!!! 

(Frankly, all Easter mean to me is bunny-shaped Hershey's chocolates...)

Today was... Umm... Productive in a totally different context. But I got bored of biology and started to go around the apartment searching for clothes to fold and stuff to tidy up. And my housemate thinks I'm high cuz I find everything fascinating. Was suppose to watch TVD tonight, but it's loading way to slow. Screw Unifi and Friday nights :(

Exam is in 4 days and I'm so unprepared I don't know where to start. And I got so tired of studying the books I'm just doing past years now and hoping that it's enough to stimulate my memory. 

The truth is, I don't really have anything in mind to babble about tonight. Last week passed like the wind. Being home all day makes me realize how fun college is. I mean, when I had classes, I was counting down to the weekends, but right now, I just want the new week to start again. Haih...

Next chapter

My results was okay... Fine... Just quite disappointed for the B+. And I sort of got over it yesterday. BUT THEN, mom started nagging about every single thing, and relating everything to the B+, then my grandma happened. I know she probably didn't mean it that way, but it was really disturbing. And my mom was solely trying to make me feel worse than I feel right now. I didn't shed a single tear on Thursday, I came home, apologized with a cupcake, and acted like I was okay with it all. And now she thinks that I don't feel guilty, I'm not upset about it, and I'm not learning from it.

THE TRUTH IS I FREAKING WISH I DID BETTER AND I REALLY WANT TO BURY MYSELF IN A FREAKING HOLE AND DIE BUT I KNOW LIFE DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY SO I'M TRYING VERY VERY HARD TO RECOVER AND MOVE ON AND STOP SULKING OR COMPLAINING.

I know family and friends got like 10A+'s and stuff, I wish I did too, trust me, but I didn't. And I know it's nobody's fault but mine, but there's really  no need to remind me every second, that I failed to reach your target, then I wasn't the best among everybody else. As nonchalant as I may seem, I want to be that good too, I want to be able to drop jaws when I tell people about my achievement too. It's not just you.

What you see is just what you see. Stop acting like you understand everything, stop commenting on every little thing I do, stop saying it okay one second and shake your head with disappointment on the next. I'll really appreciate it if you just tell me up front that you're disappointed and tell me that I could have done better than hinting it in every sentence you speak. It's driving me nuts. And you have no idea how hard I was trying to not cry this afternoon. 

I guess this is what you'll always get for being stronger than expected. People take your feelings for granted. No, they just assume that you have none. You're forever the one to be blamed when something happens, when the other party cries and whines and you just stay silent. Sometimes, when something is not shown, it doesn't mean that it's non-existence. Sometimes, that person just wanna keep it low and let it slowly fade away. But you're making it so damn impossible, that I wake up recalling that I didn't do my job properly, that I'm a failure, that I'm a shame. 

I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you want me to be. And I just realized that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be, cuz there will always be people who are better, and there will always be a comparison.

I don't know what this is gonna be

I seriously don't. 

I know that I'v decided to be cool with this but hell... I woke up at freaking 5 am this morning for no reason feeling so damn nervous I'm gonna puke. My ride ain't coming till 8-ish. I have no idea what to do with 3 hours. So Imma type a quick blog post, read a book, brush up, dress, and go wait like a retard. 

I couldn't do anything last night, just lingered around with my phone stuck in my hands and went to sleep before 11pm. Well at least I think I've cured my headache! And I'm super hungry right now. I just feel really really weird!!!!!!! :( 

Mom wanted to be there when they give out the results but I told her that I'll be fine and I'll call her and stuff. Feeling super bad now heh... But I don't know how I'll feel if she was standing right next to me, looking into that slip of paper the same time as I. It won't make any difference to the final product, but hell I'll be so damn nervous I think I'll faint even before they call out my name.

This is like the first time in ages I'm actually worrying about something this badly. I mean, when SPM ended, all I cared about was fun. Then came college, and SPM is like... A previous chapter nobody gives two craps about, until now. I can't believe that today, 10am, marks the final page of my high school life. Like FINAL, no more. Nothing else left. 

I still remember what was first day of school like. Got the shock of my life, seeing everyone in pinafore, nobody in shirt and pants. And when we were asked to line up in 2 lines, I was like... 'how?'. Cuz I was so used to girls on one side, boys on the other. Then I got used to everything there, and it became home :) The best days were the last days, where we had no classes anymore, and we were allowed to go anywhere and do anything we want. We lied down on the field, sat under the trees, talking about the future and stuff. Cliche I know, but it was true. 

Funny, how you  realize you love someone so much only when you need to part. That's life I guess. We don't appreciate things if we're not on the brink of losing it. So later, I'm gonna hug everyone I see, and enjoy every laughter and remember their voices. The sad thing about living in a small town is that after graduation, people just leave, and across the country, some even out of the country and you really have no idea when you'll see them again. 

YES IT'S ALMOST 7AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahahah I'm really excited for my canteen food breakfast later. And we're gonna visit all the teachers that made our lives a living hell. And tell the juniors that SPM is super easy compared to what we're doing now to scare the sunshine out of them...

So cheers, and good luck!

Living on such sweet nothing

It's still the beginning of the week but it feels like a Thursday today. Probably cuz I'm going home tomorrow, and I'm all pumped up for the real Thursday.

Today was fun :) Laughed a little too much cuz people just found out that I'm ticklish... And oh my gosh McEgg is back!!!!!! I remember how it used to be the only burger I'll order in McDonalds apart from Fillet O' Fish. Memories.... Had tests for 2 consecutive days, so it kind of feels like a major exam is over and I'm slacking all the way today. In a little moment I'll go eat something, then maybe read something and pack for the trip home.

Physics test was crap today. I saw the paper and my mind was blank. Like blank. I didn't even know where to start. It was an open book test but I had no idea which part of the book to flip to. So yeah. I basically  just crapped for 2 pages of test pad.

ANYWAYS!!!!!!!!!

2 more days to results day. I'm scared and excited and curious altogether. I mean, when I finished my Sejarah and Bio and Chinese papers, I kind of ruled out the idea of archiving my mom's target of 9A+ (Yeah there's allowance for Chinese hahahah). But now, I realized that I'm still silently, secretly hoping that fate will have mercy on me. I think I kind of deserve it, for some reason. But whatever. I'll just try my best to lose some expectations and keep cool. Not like it means anything anymore right? But still, i worked for it. And it's sort of something to ensure me about A Levels. I mean, if I screwed up bloody SPM, what hopes can I afford to have on A Levels? Right?

And I'm so excited for going back to school. I never thought that I'll miss it, really. Even after I left, I was like 'OMG YES I'M NEVER GOING BACK', but right now, I just miss that place so much, even if it's a freaking prison. Maybe it's not the place, it's more of the people and the memories. High school wasn't all sweet and easy, trust me. Right now, thinking back, it feels like it was easier, but I know that at that time, it really sucked every single drop of energy out of me. And I think at that time, I had way more responsibilities and duties, compared to now. Now I just need to study and have fun and keep myself alive.

Trials is in less than 2 weeks and I really want to freak out. It's seriously time to fire up my engine.

Lol Bry just called saying that he wants to crash our place cuz his has no electricity. So much for a silent evening.......

I've been travelling on this road too long

It's a beautiful and happy Friday, and not to mention really, really tiring. I've been out from 8 to 8, around the clock, but it was fun :)

 

It was somebody's birthday today (*winks) and you all know how much I love birthdays hahahahah... Sneaking out right after class and racing to my locker to bring out the present and then to the college entrance to get the pizza we ordered earlier and bursting into the lab to steal matches... It's a different kind of fun, and I felt like a freaking spy.

 

Then we went to Pavilion for lunch. 3 consecutive days of fast food and I say I wanna go on a diet. But hello, it was Carl's Junior!!!!!!!! I think that's like the best burger I've ever tasted, and they have the best fries. That place, that particular round table, means memories :') I swear I'm gonna bring my family there next.

 

***

|This week was pure coming-home-after-6. Every single day, I come home feeling drained and paralysed, and when I try to study, my brain just shuts down, and I'll end up snoring away on my bed and visiting dreamland. I swear, I swear from next week, I'll go to the library and study kao kao before coming home in time for dinner, and then do whatever stuff I need to do till I fall asleep. My routine doesn't work anymore. And it's frustrating, but that's what they say right? Change means innovation, innovation means improvement. Staying static means moving backwards.

 

I'm gonna ace this thing so bad my parents will be so speechless they won't ever complain about me slacking anymore. And they'll feel that every single penny they spent since this January is so worth it they'll be willing to pay double if necessary.

 

***

 

About parents, my dad gave me the consent to not study medicine last weekend when I was home. More like encouraged me to not take medicine. And then, after that, I decided that I should really choose another path. And he sort of freed me from my thoughts.

 

Since young, being a doctor was as predicted as growing up and going to college and university. I didn't really give myself a choice, or did everyone else. It's like automatic, something I'll definitely inherit from my parents. They all say, 'Your parent's are doctors, doesn't mean that you'll have to be one too...' This is... Not true. It's like an unwritten obligation, an unsaid rule. Even my mom insisted that at least one of us must end up a doctor, and I sort of willingly take up that responsibility, cuz that's all I knew.

 

And then I grew up, realized that it's not that glamorous, not at all. I followed my parents to work, and wonder how they do this every single day. Basically, all my dad does is talk, well for half of the time at least, then walk around the ward, and write really fast on papers in files. My mom stares into microscope, and I tried too. They all looked the same to me. Then she'll spend the other half of her working hours typing away on a old computer.

 

AND THEN, came the people who, also, wanted to be doctors. They all had stories to back up their reasons and stuff like that and I'm like... I just needed to choose a field to focus on. That is when I noticed, I don't really want this, let alone getting stuck in this for life. Then came factors like 'med student are all over the place', 'you can never get a scholarship', 'reading medicine in western countries is suicide to your fortune'... and they all makes perfect sense.

 

I'd like to believe that I didn't give up. I grew up, that's all. I want different things now. I don't care about the respect in people's eyes when you walk around in your white coat with a stethoscope hanging around your neck or that you'll never go broke or that you get free trips to countries and live in five-star hotels and eat chef-cooked food.

 

A few days ago, a friend asked me what I want in life, and nothing materialistic came into my mind at all. I said I want to be happy and satisfied for who I am and it was the truth. I'd rather have normal income, living in a warm house with people I love who love me back than earn tons and live in a cold mansion with everyone being busy with their own lives.

 

So yeah... This is my thoughts about life and how I want it to work out. I actually have a field in mind. And when I tell it to people I've known my whole life, they'll stare at me like I've gone insane cuz it's way to unpredicted but whatever. It's my decision. And I'll be the one making it.

 

Nights! 16 minutes past midnight and my head feels super heavy.

Anything could happen when you take a chance

But the problem with me is that I'm taking wayyyy to many chances.

I let myself fall, I let my heart lead the way, even when I know that what's in front is just a cruel dead-end. I'll do it anyway. I'm dumb like that, willing to believe that miracles can happen out of the blue.

They say that we should have faith, no matter what happens, cuz faith gives us hope. But what if you have so much faith that all you key into your mind is just plain expectations that will never turn into reality? It's called suicide.

It's like jumping off a cliff and hoping that a cushion will appear out of nowhere to catch you.

I really want to stop doing this to myself but every time I feel like giving up every sense of hope, my heart will be like 'it just needs more time, be patient and observe...' And I'll just mindlessly follow. And in the end I'll just hate myself for getting myself into such deep shit. And the cycle goes on...

I wish my mind has a switch, to turn off feelings and attachments. I wish I can do whatever and will never get attached to anything or anyone. I wish I could just walk away, no hard feelings. But it doesn't work that way.

And you can't really blame anyone but yourself, for being naive and stupid. I should really stop believing in fairy tales where happy endings happen to every story...

Take this sinking boat and point it home

I can't remember if I've used Falling Slowly as my title before, but oh well... But this time, Imma make this as the featured soundtrack for this blog entry.

This week hasn't been the best, nor was it the worst. It's in the middle. Stuck in the middle, where choices were hanging and feelings were unfelt and words were left unsaid and regrets dominated.

Somehow I decided to let myself slack tonight. I did nothing but eat and watch my drama and had lame Skype calls with some noobs. I'm going home tomorrow, like right after class and I'm feeling really hyped about it. I mean, like finally. I'm going to take advantage of my bed and my parents' information in Biology and the never-ending food in the fridge. And the flat-screen TV on the wall and Astro Beyond and my Kawai piano and all the attention from my family. To be honest, I feel like a princess, everytime I go home. And it's kinda touching. All of a sudden, I get to choose what DVD to watch on Saturday nights and where to go for dinner and I get to skip the dishes and laundry.

Downs were the times you got ignored and take for granted, where reality differed from your expectations, so much that you don't feel like dreaming on anymore, where you stop and think, 'Why am I doing this?'. 

Ups were the times people make you laugh and you make them laugh and they still accept you when you're so full of flaws and you feel important, like how important they are to you.

The thing about life this week is that it's so damn unpredictable. It can be candy floss this minute and pickles the next. You fall asleep thinking of unicorns and you wake up to burning hell. They say that's what makes life exciting and worth looking forward to, but I'll really appreciate it if life told me about his plans the night before so I won't wake up feeling hopeful and be disappointed after a couple hours. 

Frankly, I have tons to do right now. I have maths and laundry and oranges to finish eating and bags to pack and... It's never going to end. But I'm just too comfortable, sitting here in the air-con room typing away, getting lost in my thoughts. 

My blog needs more pictures. Like WAY more. That's for being away from home, being away from that handsome camera which is probably lying all lonely and dusty in that blue box waiting for me to come back for him. I pity that baby... Only if I'm allowed to bring it here. Mom never uses it. Never. 

Just today, I was standing in the basketball court staring at the hoop and the sunlight shining through the leaves behind it. I felt so so bad that I didn't have my camera with me. This happens like every single day I swear. 

P/s: If you caught me staring motionless at something, I'm probably mentally snapping pictures of it, and thinking on ways to edit them.

I actually had lots to talk about, so much I didn't even know where to start, but then I decided to spare everyone from all the complaints. It's Thursday night! Tonight is suppose to be cheerful, all ready for Friday. :)

whatever.

Summary of today:

Woke up, did my laundry and shit, drank a cup of tea, and headed to college with Bryan to check out the carnival. Ended up sweating like crap, screw the weather. 

Then went for breakfast in Old Town. Had coffee and toast, and came back home for an episode of Season of Love before Ryan came to pick me up. Drove to Publika, found a cute little cafe called Coffee Stain, and sat there, had coffee (Ryan only likes Starbucks and I think it's gay) and lunch. The food was okay, but I LOVE THAT PLACE. Basically I just love Publika. It beats Pavi ;) It feels good just walking down the tiled pathway. And ended up in MPH to spend his 50 buck. 

Then we drove to Chung Hwa, toured the school and watched scouts build tents haha. And then we went to baby Pavilion for Chatime. My treat XD Sorry la I'm just self-centered like that. But thank you too. 

Then I got back to Sentral by 5, and met my family. Checked into Le Meridien and KTM-ed to Midvalley. Has the best dinner, and went strolling around. Went into like every single sport shop available there, till I had to buy something. 

So technically, I went out at 10am and came back at 11pm. But today was awesomeeee!!! Okay I love my friends and family :)

Celebrating Free-day tonight. Done giving too much crap, done over thinking, done forgiving, done tolerating, done feeling disappointed. 

Just,

whatever.

Whose to say that we will never last forever

HOLA!!! Qt is dead and gone. She was an evil bitch and should never be remembered. Seriously. But it's kinda good in the sense that I swore that I'm gonna study every single day from Monday onwards. Allowing 2 days of slacking so I won't end up in a mental hospital.

Believe it or not, I'm not doing anything at all. Except for Youtube that's playing some strange playlist, nothing's on right now. Don't you love it, when you have nothing essential on your list that has to be done, no obligations, no responsible, no plans. Someone comes along and offers something and you just say 'yeah sure leggo'. It's been like awhile since I'm allowed to do this. For the past week, it's just guilt and anxiety whenever I decide on a night out.

Spent the whole afternoon and evening in the heart of the city. Doing... nothing much. But that's just the fun of it. I like everything spontaneous, that's what I realised. I hate planning ahead. Like, it's in the future, what for you spend all of today thinking about it. You'll just keep missing out on the present, all because of the future you're so obsessed about. 

Once in awhile, we've really got to stop thinking, stop planning, stop worrying about what that doesn't even exist. Do things you genuinely want to do. Not out of pressure or expectations. Things don't really have to make sense sometimes, they don't have to abide to rules or the norm, they don't have to be accepted. Close your eyes and just go with it, cuz that's how free someone should be.

I apologize if I sound a little wasted tonight, but I probably am. Due to the sudden drop in my stress level and the sudden rise of happiness. Laughing till I'm left breathless, strolling around carefree... Why can't every day be like that? Sometimes, I wonder what I'm doing here, all trying to ace everything and look knowledgeable so that the society will like me more IN THE FUTURE. If the society is one that judges you by a piece of cheap paper, it's not a society worth living in. Cuz however hard you work, there will be people that are smarter and better, you'll never feel truly appreciated.

They say it's a cruel world, because they were born on one part of it and stayed there forever. Stop seeking and you'll find; stop trying to impress and you will.