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In 24 hours, I will be in the train back to my other life. Can I not?
I shouldn't even be blogging right now, given my unproductive and easily distracted self. I am way way behind my study schedule. 10 papers left to be done in 3 days for physics, 10 in 4 days for chemistry. I was suppose to finish everything by now. Besides, I promise my parents I'd follow them for tea in an hour time, and then bake muffins for the girls back in KL.
Catching Fire on Thursday night, random gathering last night and ballet concert tonight. My night times are basically fully occupied, my mornings devoted to errands and coffee table conversations. Late mornings spent preparing and food shopping for lunch. So the only spare time for me to study is that mere 3 to 4 hours after lunch, before we go out for tea and come home to start dinner preparations.
My schedule is the schedule of a housewife, minus the studying. And I thought I will and can never become one. But again, it's all a matter of time until I get bored of this meaningless slacking. This, is the main reason why I still can't picture where I will be and what I will be doing in 20 years time.
I get bored too easily. I get hooked too easily too. When I am addicted to something, the only way to totally stop my addiction is to let me get bored of it. Then I will definitely move on and never look back. Or just terminate that something. There is no point locking it in a safe or setting rules. I will somehow climb over the walls, or knock them down.
I love my routine, but my routine must be constantly changing. I know this hardly make any sense. There is nothing permanent about me, or my life. My thoughts, my interest, my perspective never stays the same, at least not long enough for people to be able to predict or assume anything about me. The moment you recognize a pattern, it changes.
Pros: I can always make sure that my life is moving, getting somewhere. I am never constantly miserable or unsatisfied, partly because I have no tolerance for having sighs and grunts in my mind.
Cons: I can never seem to have anything permanent in my life. Nothing. Friends, hobbies, beliefs, interests... Nothing. Being in the exact same environment for too long is torture to me. Even when I have no choice but to stay put, it is mandatory for me to alter a bit of everything. I just have the need to keep everything fresh, or at least not static.
I don't know why I'm trying so hard to explain myself, but it is really time to do something about this.
And look who's trying to make changes again...
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