I'm typing this on my phone as I wait for the timer on the cycling machine to hit zero. Gym is difficult again today. My legs don't seem to want to move. I guess they want a rest too.
Tomorrow morning, and I'll be in that train on my way home. This is all that's been keeping me moving through the week. It's the third weekday and it feels like Friday already. Or I just want it to be Friday.
I just feel reluctant when it comes to actually doing something. All I can bring myself to do is to cook my meals and finish my daily dose of dramas. I'm way behind my paper 1 study schedule. I spent 2 hours today trying to finish a chemistry paper. And no, it's not don't yet. I have no clue how I'm going to persuade myself to study at home but really, the progress here is almost nonexistent. So why not invest a little for a change of environment?
KL city is buried in a huge grey bundle of angry clouds again. I went to the city yesterday and had the second best ramen I've ever had, first of course being the one I had in Oyama. Spend about 200 bucks again. Way over my budget this month, and I have like 20 bucks left in my purse for the journey home tomorrow. Sometimes I feel guilty for spending money without even thinking, mainly feeling sorry for my dad who is practically forever working. But then, I always just give up calculating and mentally doing money math halfway and finish whatever notes I have with me. Not that I don't feel guilty. And I don't know why I'm talking about this right now.
20 minutes left.
I can't believe it's November. I really can't. Where did all the time go?
January, I was silently counting down to the month when A Levels will officially end, thinking that it's going to take forever, but now, I just hope that this was a 24 months programme instead of 18.
I'm not ready for A2. I'm not ready to leave college, to start over in a completely stranger city. I don't want to adapt again. New faces and first conversations, new home and fresh routines. As much as I'm seeking for changes, I'm not ready for all these. Because this time, I know I'll be completely alone. I can't just pack and go home for the weekend when things get tough, I can't rely on somebody else to come save me.
University. It's everything I've ever wanted as a child. It has been a destination since I started to go to school. It's the ultimate goal, the place we are all dying to go. It means that you're all grown up, you're the closest to total freedom than you can ever be. But right now, to me, it's ceasing to be a child, a teen. It's being in charge and being responsible for everything that has got to do with yourself, mistakes and decision.
10 minutes left.
It's drizzling here.
Now playing: Yellow, Coldplay.
Yeah I have a phone now, but I miss my mom taking me to places and holding my hand so that I wouldn't get lost. I live in the city now, I have my fair share of freedom, but I miss weekend trips with my family and Saturday eating outs. I can drive now, but I miss sitting on the passenger seat talking to dad and staring out the window. I shop for my own clothes now, but I miss mom giving my sister and I a budget and let us get whatever we want from the store as long as she approves of it.
We gain, and we lose. It's how it works. But sometimes I just wish I could ungain and unlose things, just for a little while.
Maybe that's why people are so obsessed over time machines.
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