Where there are prophecies, they will cease

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;

love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;

it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.

Cheers to those who adore without judgement and blames. Cheers to those who give without hoping for return. Cheers to those who love without condition. Cheers to those who grant without wanting. Cheers to those who surrender their hearts and trust courageously.

***

It's a beautiful morning, sitting here by the window in the study, peace and quiet, except for the piano-cello duet playing on the home theater in the family hall. Can the world just stop spinning right now? It's the first time, since college started I think, that I have nothing on my plate at all. I don't have to think about what the lecturer is babbling about or which room to go after this class, I don't have to worry if the laundry is done yet or what to make for dinner. There's no test tomorrow, no maths questions to be answered. 

It's chemistry class right now and there's probably something important being said or going on but whatthehell. 

Mom was suppose to bring me to Penang with her tonight. But apparently she's worried that I'll die or get a stroke or something if I spend 2 days in the hotel room watching movies after movies. And I'm not allowed to walk to Gurney Plaza by myself although it's nearer than the distance of college from my apartment. What logic. I can never understand how her mind works. If I stay at home, I'd be all alone too, and I'll still be sitting here lifeless-ly watching random movies. I'll probably finish all the recorded programmes on TV, eat up all the stock in the fridge and cupboard and sneak out to somebody's house to spend the afternoon and use up all her  ingredients to make weird flavoured cupcakes or  silently lead my neighbour's dog into the garden and talk to her like some mad person... Yeah the things I do when I'm free...

Anyways, the point is, I'm so damn free right now but I don't feel bored (yet) and I'm loving it like crazy. For the first time, I don't feel like going back to KL. Cuz all of a sudden, home is turning into a holiday resort to me, where all the problems are solved or put aside. It's the only place where I will never feel alone. I can say whatever stupid shit I want and someone will be there to listen... and judge... Well at least I was heard. And when things get really dull I'll just get someone to drive me to the club and run into random people who are as lifeless as me.

This is the only place when I say I want supper and somebody will come back after awhile with food. Everything is just so simple here. So easy, so effortless. I wake up when I feel like it, at there will still be breakfast waiting for me. Sometimes, I feel really dumb for wanting freedom so badly before. For every inch of freedom comes an ounce of responsibility and trouble. I miss being able to walk out of the house without the keys, my phone or money. Just walk out, empty handed, and go sit in the car and get magically transported to the destination. 

All this seems so impossible when you're living alone. 

All this, I miss.

If I could, then I would

I'm way too lazy to come up with a deep, thoughtful, entry, so I'm just gonna babble today's activities in a simple, direct manner. Crap and I'm suppose to be packing for home. I'm not even sure if I should go home tomorrow... Gosh all this planning and making sure things will work out properly is driving me mad.

It's been a long happy Tuesday, despite the fact that I'm still pretty much lost. I skipped all the classes today, went to college late and went straight to the office to settle my things. Met up with my classmates and wondered around college for some time, and took the bus to Midvalley. Had porridge breakfast slash brunch slash lunch with 3 lame dudes, and somehow ended up playing pool at the top floor.

Pool was... Umm... I can see how people get addicted and stuff. And I trashed 2 of the guys so yeah I'm quite satisfied with myself right now hahahahah!!!! Then we went down to the bowling alley and watched them bowl, and the arcade to watch them drive. Yeah we were like total badasses, skipping college and going for games without mom being aware of it.

And I finally got to watch Ah Boys To Men 2. Jack Neo is talented, screw the scandals. 

So yeah, today was basically unproductive yet enjoyable, and I'm now blogging and Skyping instead of finishing up my laundry and throwing clothes into my luggage bag. Well done. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WOEI CONG!

I know you'll see this so yeah. You made my entry title. Be proud. ;) It's like being on the front page of the daily papers. Or Vainty Fair Magazine or Four Four Two.

***

I'm currently in my room sitting on a small pink Ikea stool, feeling kind of frustrated cuz my home's internet sucks and TVD isn't loading fast enough. So I figured I'll just do a quick recap of the previous week.

Last week was kind of rough, for my brain. The examination board got really screwed up and I don't even know what to do right now. It's like all the stepping stones across the river are gone just in one day, and I'm stuck, and all the solutions are either really hard or far or requires me to get out of my comfort zone. 

And initially I thought coming home means finding a possible solution to it all, but honestly, everything just got way tangled up. And instead of solving the problem, it became more like debating and playing poker with my mom. It's like she expects me to figure things out by myself, but she wants to comment on every single suggestion I come up with. And in the end, my idea is just either naive or hopeless. And when I let her make the decisions, I'm too lazy and too dependent on her. What kind of logic is this?

The truth is, I have no idea what I want, or should, do next. I don't want to leave, I don't want to restart and adapt again, I don't want things to change, but I'm really uncomfortable with risking too. I don't want to insist on something and watch it go wrong, again. I'll go mad if it happens again. It's really tiring...

But despite the college crisis thing, last week was kind of fun. And I had the awesomest Friday yesterday. And it started out with two boring hours of Physics lab. So I guess the best situations can have terrible introductions too. The way we can spin around the basement for ages and still stay cool, and laugh so hard with a full stomach until we wanted to puke in the car... How can anyone just let go of everything and leave like that?

Hiking session with  my parents tomorrow morning, I guess it's my final chance to actually find a solution that everybody agrees on. Fingers crossed!!!

I don't feel like sleeping yet but I'm getting a little hungry and there's chocolate banana cake in the fridge downstairs.

Fight to be the best only to realize there's no meaning to it

- Edward

I just came home from Subang. Went there yesterday straight after Running Man for Petronas Scholarship interview. And now I'm talking to somebody I barely know, well I know him la just not close at all, about LIFE. It's funny how you can have deep conversations with people you don't really talk to, at least not long enough to make the 'more than just the truth talk' mark. I guess the best part is, you're not obliged to  mention names. You just keep babbling, and listen.

So, this brings me to life and living and being alive.

You know, half of the people I met during the programme didn't even know what they're getting into. They applied simply because it means an opportunity to go overseas without paying, or that everyone told them it's a great opportunity and stuff. And it made me think, what do we look like from the outside. If there's someone watching from the space, they'll probably be laughing their ass off, like "What are these humans doing? Spending all their life on things that doesn't even matter." We'll look like total idiots.

Most of the time, we just dive head-first into stuff without knowing why, just because it's what majority do. And one fine day, someone comes over and ask you why, you just stare blankly at them, speechless. They ask you what's your best accomplishment in life, and you don't know what to say cuz you're not even sure what you've done is counted as an accomplishment. 

We're scared to say what we want to say, to feel what we're suppose to feel, all because the fear of rejection and failure. We're afraid of what people might say. It's always about pride isn't it? It's about showing people you're not the weaker party. What you don't know is that there are still people who don't give two craps about what you look from the outside waiting at the other side of the fence. And sometimes, it really hurts, seeing somebody you really care about overlooking your existence for something so meaningless. Like what you've done before is of lower ranking than whatever crap that they're giving so much thought about now.

And sometimes, you just try really hard to convince yourself that you don't care. And it looks like you've succeeded but deep down you're perfectly clear that it stills bother you like shit.

This time, I'm telling you

HAPPEH FRIDAYYYY!!!!!

The day Friday itself has a spell casted on it. You wake up in the morning, switched off your alarm, and saw the word 'Friday' on your phone screen, and magically, the day is better already. Yeah this is the story of my life. It happens once a week and at least 4 times a month. And I love it. And the best thing about Friday now, is that classes end at 12pm. Freaking 12 pm, you practically still have the whole day to waste. 

Anyways, today was awesome, despite the fact that I'm so tired right now I can just fall dead on my bed this instant. I just came home, still all dirty, in my pair of unwashed jeans (it's been a week heh), my bag lying on the floor, my bag of groceries untouched, with Lego House playing in the background. I don't feel like doing anything. Today was too fun to have chores come and breaking the magic.

So whassup today, you ask?

I woke up 15 minutes before the alarm went off this morning, cursing on my biological clock, then I realized, it's the last working day of the week and decided to stop whining. I boiled the water and threw a cupcake into the microwave, and sat down to have a nice warm breakfast like I had all the time in the world. Then college happened and it passed like the wind. (I'll just skip the part where I got a B for Physics again.) 12pm came and the boys and I drove to Publika for lunch. We goofed around a little and went back to school. Sat through the most boring and annoying briefing ever and Monorail-ed to Times Square for Olympus Has Fallen. (I still don't know what's Olympus. Is it the White House?) 

And it was... good... Sorry for my prejudice but the name of the movie is way to lame to suit the plot. (And I still wanna watch The Host dammit!) But I still find it a little too brutal. There was a point where I really felt like walking out and come back after 10  minutes. Seriously, and Carissa was all 'It's ok la!!!!'. The movie was typical Hollywood where the bomb is deactivated when the countdown strikes 1 second left. But the guy freaking stabbed another person through his skull with a pocket knife. And I'm kinda wondering if the producers thought of the possibility of raising sensitive political issues with the North Koreans when they made the movie. I mean, I know it's true and all, but what they're doing now is that they actually portray the violence and insanity of the North Koreans and stuff like that. But the North Koreans don't have international TV and internet coverage so they probably won't know about the movie. Why in the world am I crapping about political issues anyway?

So... I drove in an arcade today and I still can't see why it can be addictive. It explains the presence of reckless drivers and the increase in accident rate on the road. Anyways... I better to wash up and pack for tomorrow. I guess it's just me and a novel tonight. Just feel free to call me if you're on Skype. I wanna talk!!!

Here's to never growing up

It's a Wednesday that feels like a Thursday. 

I promised myself that I will try to understand Cystic Fibrosis tonight, but oh well...  Keeping to my promise to a friend that I'll blog is way more important than biology (Be touched, you-know-who!!!). Basically, I'm still in post-exam mode, although we're suppose to be like super hardworking and all by now. The externals are in a month and I'm sitting here, with Cystic Fibrosis staring at me and me staring at my computer screen like nobody's business.

And after this I'm gonna eat a cupcake and maybe watch a movie and sleep and wake up at 8 tomorrow morning. MY GOSH I REALLY NEED TO START STUDYING!!! And I have my entire weekend occupied with nonsense. Okay I'm feeling guilty already. 

Someone just told me that he's tired of studying and dealing with all this shit, and all I wanna say is "My gosh, I feel you". Sometimes, during lectures, I just sit in class, and think, "I don't even NEED to know this". I'm quite positive that what we're learning now, is only needed for this 18 month course, and will not be touched again after this. Then what's the point of all this? 

We over study, a lot, and spend time on stuff that doesn't even matter. I wish we could just tell them what we wanna do with our lives and they'll come out with something that suits us just right. Then I wouldn't have to waste my brain cells on things that means nothing to me and my future. 

I used to not mind learning stuff, well, I still don't. It's the sitting for exam part that kills my mood. Exams ain't just about knowing your facts. You have to know what the examiner expects and stuff like that, and I hate it. People that excel in the exams don't necessarily  mean that they are smart or they can handle the subjects well. They just know how to predict the marking scheme well that's all. Okay I'm writing a freaking essay on this shit. ANYWAYS, exams are meaningless. It totally contradicts with my decision of going for the A Levels but whatever. 

I'm already counting down to my next visit home. This time, I'm not gonna ask anyone out or go for any gathering, and I'm not gonna call my driving instructor. I will quarantine myself at home, sleep until I can't fall asleep anymore, and eat good food, and play some music and embrace the presence of a television. I don't know why but I'm so so tired these days. I can't seem to sleep before midnight, no matter how much I want to go to bed at 9pm. And I'll end up dozing off in class. Funny brain I have.

Okay I realized I'm going off topic (not like I had any), probably because I'm getting hungry. Hungry, at 10.35pm, and I say I wanna go on a diet. I don't know how they manage to eat steam vegetable 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. I'd die if I go one day without carbs. 

I think I'm moving but I go nowhere

It's in the past now, you tell yourself. You spend your waking hours trying to move on, you spend all your energy trying to charge forward. You fight every urge to not look behind your shoulders. Time passed, you think you've healed. You stopped running, took a deep breath, and turned your head towards your back, and then you realized, one glimpse, just one glimpse can turn all those hard work into dust.

You don't know if it's your fault, are you the one who's holding on to nothing for too long, or are people just too cool and heartless to even care. You want to believe that it's just you being all sentimental and overthinking, but then you realize that you really care and you want everything back to how it used to be. You know it's impossible, but every time you think of it, every time the clock strikes 11.11, you can't help but wish with all your heart.

Soundtrack: Stop and Stare.

Honestly, I didn't really want to blog. But trials just ended and stuff, I feel bad and guilty for not updating my blog. I have nothing much to say. 

Last week passed like breeze, exams were okay I guess. The vibe was much better than the QTs, I hope my results will be tally too. I hope. The after celebration was GI Joe and Laser Tag in Midvalley. Friday was really really tiring. So tiring I fell asleep watching Running Man on my aunt's couch. After Midvalley, I got home, took a one minute bath, threw everything into my bag, and dashed to Sentral to meet my mom. We KTM-ed to Subang, walked over to Parade, and got to my cousin's house. Only then I had the chance to catch my breath.

Yesterday was spent shopping in Paradigm Mall and getting fat and bumping into my mom. Yeah, KL is small too after all. Came home this morning, and had been lying on my bed since then. With intervals of course. Anyways, I'm addicted to a really stupid drama, cried the whole afternoon over it, ate lunch on my bed over it, not gonna sleep tonight all because of it. Screw Taiwan dramas and me. Worst combination ever. And it's not even special. 

Next-door girl fell in love with boss and vice versa. Ex boyfriend came out of nowhere and tries to win her back. Bitch fight between her and boss' so-called fiancee. Fight fight punch slap backstab. Eventually boss and girl will end up together. Predictable, typical. Only people like me will get obsessed over it. I'm crazy I know...