This is by far the hardest crap I've ever needed to face.

I can't describe what it's doing with my life. Physically and mentally, inside out. 

It's like I don't even have the energy to care about anything else anymore, when all I did all day was to sit on that same chair, that same spot. I'm getting so sick of not having the right to go out and enjoy life, so sick of forcing information into my brains when they're so stuffed already.

Why am I even doing this? 

We (almost) kill ourselves now so that we can have a better life in the future. What makes us think that happiness of our future selves worth more than that of the present? 

Counting down

5 days to trials.

One month and a week to the end of it all.

I'm still alive. Gasping, panting, but alive. 

I'm annoyed at myself, because I don't know what to feel about this. Of course, I want to get over with A2, though I'm still fairly unprepared for it, but I don't want to leave college. I'm so used to this place, this routine, these people, that I really don't know how I'm going to readapt with life after college is over.

Another phase of my life, over, in just 17 months (Not even 18. They lied.)

This time of last year, I remember myself counting down already. I can't recall my feelings then, but I'm sure it's not as mixed up as it is now. I mean, let's leave the people aside first. I know I will miss my 5 minutes walk to college every morning, Sunday market trips, the most pathetic gym in the world, this apartment unit, our ever-full fridge and freezer. I'll even miss my sad, simple, dull meals. Bring the people into the picture, I can write a book about things I'd miss...

I know it's not exactly the most perfect time to be wondering about all this, but I can't help it. I can't help but picture my life without all of this. I can't picture not living this life anymore.

Time to fry some vege and gobble them over maths questions.

And here's a little something I came across this morning...

From littleremindersoflove.blogspot.com: 

"It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me… So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…"

— Aldous Huxley, Island

sunshine and sand between my toes

sea breeze

sun ray piercing through the trees

freshly squeezed fruit juice

roasted nuts

scent of the saltiness of the ocean

sunkissed skin covered with a thin layer of sun block

laughter

serenity

empty mind

good book

wonderful company

miles away from the city

nothing to check off the to-do list

Happy Friday, people.

This previous week was long. Days were long, so were the nights. Too much to do, too much to worry about. It wasn't a bad week, not at all. Wasn't exactly a superb one too. I guess it's hard to be satisfied when one has so much on her plate. Trials, externals... 1 week and 1 month.

I am already freaking out. 

Dreamt about receiving my results last night. Can't remember the details, but it wasn't good. It scares me, that I only have this one chance. And that this chance is not easy at all. I guess it's good that I'm so afraid. Since I really need some pushing force.

Here's to a weekend of books.

Sometimes, it really don't know what I want.

I can sit still and count, calculate, weigh, compare, and still not know what I really want for myself. It seems like I have this habit of contradicting myself, and doubting all my decisions for no reason. I don't even have the right to rant that my life is tough because I'm the one creating all my problems.

Existing is hard.

So very classy of you.

Too classy.

Enchanté

Good morning, happy Sunday.

Woke up today to the dreadful smell of haze. Looked out the window, even the apartment block opposite mine looked blur. So our weekly Sunday morning market outing was cancelled, ended up sitting here with my housemates eating warm chocolate cake with Haagen Daaz rum and raisin ice cream. I guess it's not considered a bad morning after all, but there's a problem. I'm running out of vege, in need of urgent supply of fresh ingredients for my daily dinner.

So right now I am kinda troubleshooting...

So flashback to OB14.

It was good, relative to last year's.

Food was really good, for a large buffet like that. Performance was great, interesting. Company was awesome, winks. Theme was well portrayed. 

I just wanna say thank you, to my baby sitter who settled my dress, hair and make up. I wouldn't even be going if it wasn't for her promises. She practically had both the princess and the prince set up. Yes. I know she did half your homework for you too, prince. 

A million of thank you's to my prince. Thank you for driving miles and miles to make sure that everything is done and in place, thank you for picking me up with your carriage, thank you for being such a prince and thank you for making me your princess. Thank you for getting me flowers although I've told your numerous times that I'm not a 'flowers kind of girl', though maybe deep down I am, I mean, I told you right? Flowers are like Range Rovers to me. They're nice, and there's a part of me that will always aspire for them, but I won't spend or want anyone to spend that amount of money on them because I know there is so much more ways to spend that money.

Thank you, for making the night enchanted for me, for bringing such fairy tale to my life. And yes, maybe I do believe in magic. Winks. 

Thank you, for being the silver lining of a chaotic month. There's the terrible haze that has been wandering around for god knows how long, then there's the water situation, and the burning hot weather, a missing plane, people dying in music raves, tests, and so many other minor hiccups, but then there's this happy girl who looks forward to go to college everyday despite it all. 

I know that if we count the things that you've done for me and compare it to those I've done for you, you'll probably win hands down. I really don't know how to make it up to you. But I promise I will try :)

                        

Why don't they make beef nuggets?

Great minds think alike. Or maybe it's just us.

I don't know where to start with this. Or how. 

Or maybe it's just us.

Dysfunctional, indecisive, forever short of clarity, but yet always inseparable, predictable, cliche, us.

I can't describe how cliche we are. There are chick flicks, romance novels and movies, drama series, and then there is us. Sometimes when I think about all this, I'm just utterly drowned in dismay, by how impossibly possible this is.

Or maybe it's just us.

Me, watching you with binoculars although we are feet apart; me, too afraid to even tip a toe into the water; me, so overly scared to overthink that I end up under thinking.

You, flawlessly flawed, inappropriate, annoying, but somehow managed to sprinkle all these imperfections with magic dust, turning them into a drug meant only for me; you always coming up with the sweetest things to say, leaving me amazed and speechless, by how someone who doesn't watch or read anything with lovey-dovey elements think of stuff like that that can melt the heart of such a hopelessly romantic person; you, never failing to turn my frowns into smiles, never failing to leave me smirking like an idiot in the middle of a class, turning my worst day of the week to the best; you, somehow noticing things that can move me as if I'm a transparent wall of glass, somehow knowing my favorites and my less-favorites, and I don't even need to say anything.

It's unfair how much more poetic you are, compared to me, since I'm the one who claims to like reading, and you don't even like words. It doesn't make sense, how you're better at surprising me than me you, since you're the guy and well, guys are guys... I have no clue how you always know exactly what to do, and always manage to magically movie-fy the most random moments, since I'm the one who has been watching romance dramas since I was like 10.

Us, never running out of things to talk, laugh, and debate about; us, always managing to find the most embarrassing things to do and then laughing in the middle of lectures as we playback those episodes out of the blues; us, enjoy doing the things that each other love, things we adore about each other; us, sometimes kids, sometimes teenagers, sometimes adults, sometimes old people who spent a lifetime together.

We are not stars, as we don't cross, we don't just meet and cross paths and leave, we took way longer than this; we are not parallel to each other as well, because then we wouldn't even meet, you and me. We are not the sun and the moon, or the planet and it's moon, as none of us revolve around another. We are the entire solar system, having our own ways to function, may it be dumb and nonsensical, both hands intertwined, one step at a time.

You always say that I'm all you've been looking for, but I think you meant to say it the other way round.

They say great things take time.

We took time.

So love, we are great.

Overthinking - the art of creating problems that weren't even there

I'm so very artistic.

I really should detach myself from fictions and non-fictions and the internet for awhile. Too much information.

I don't know how my brain is complex enough to over-interpret whatever I hear or see. How my imagination is wild enough to always come up with the worst possible scenario. And then I just can't stop thinking and thinking, until I get so exhausted of thinking about that particular matter that I just decide to not care anymore. And even then, part of me will still be thinking, secretly, not letting my heart realize that.

Sometimes I swear im just too nonsensical, for designing and creating probably-nonexisting problems for myself to worry about. But I can't help it. I'd rather have myself prepared, anticipating for the downfall than being taken by surprise. That's why I give way too much thoughts into stuff. And at the end of the day, I realize that all those fuss and sleepless nights were unneccessary.