Your paper hearts gave me paper cuts

- the Eunice :)

{ http://eunicequay.blogspot.com }

In 24 hours, I will be in the train back to my other life. Can I not?

I shouldn't even be blogging right now, given my unproductive and easily distracted self. I am way way behind my study schedule. 10 papers left to be done in 3 days for physics, 10 in 4 days for chemistry. I was suppose to finish everything by now. Besides, I promise my parents I'd follow them for tea in an hour time, and then bake muffins for the girls back in KL.

Catching Fire on Thursday night, random gathering last night and ballet concert tonight. My night times are basically fully occupied, my mornings devoted to errands and coffee table conversations. Late mornings spent preparing and food shopping for lunch. So the only spare time for me to study is that mere 3 to 4 hours after lunch, before we go out for tea and come home to start dinner preparations.

My schedule is the schedule of a housewife, minus the studying. And I thought I will and can never become one. But again, it's all a matter of time until I get bored of this meaningless slacking. This, is the main reason why I still can't picture where I will be and what I will be doing in 20 years time. 

I get bored too easily. I get hooked too easily too. When I am addicted to something, the only way to totally stop my addiction is to let me get bored of it. Then I will definitely move on and never look back. Or just terminate that something. There is no point locking it in a safe or setting rules. I will somehow climb over the walls, or knock them down. 

I love my routine, but my routine must be constantly changing. I know this hardly make any sense. There is nothing permanent about me, or my life. My thoughts, my interest, my perspective never stays the same, at least not long enough for people to be able to predict or assume anything about me. The moment you recognize a pattern, it changes. 

Pros: I can always make sure that my life is moving, getting somewhere. I am never constantly miserable or unsatisfied, partly because I have no tolerance for having sighs and grunts in my mind. 

Cons: I can never seem to have anything permanent in my life. Nothing. Friends, hobbies, beliefs, interests... Nothing. Being in the exact same environment for too long is torture to me. Even when I have no choice but to stay put, it is mandatory for me to alter a bit of everything. I just have the need to keep everything fresh, or at least not static.

I don't know why I'm trying so hard to explain myself, but it is really time to do something about this.

And look who's trying to make changes again...

A dream is a wish your heart makes

Patience, girl, patience.

10 days to December, 35 to Christmas Day, 41 to 2014.

All I want right now, is for AS to be officially over and done with. Not that I'm still spending a lot of time studying... But I just want to finally be able to do whatever crap I want without a tinge of worry about not being productive. I haven't had that luxury since... I don't know.

Home, like always, has been treating me really well. It feels so so good to be pampered with love and good food. I'm so satisfied I don't even want to go out and meet people. Or maybe I'm just lazy. Oh the joy of waking up to the sunshine escaping from the gaps of the window blind, going downstairs to find breakfast all prepared in the garden. Now I'm dreading to this Sunday, my train back to KL. But again, going back means completing the last 3 papers left, and finally getting back my freedom to be a total slacker.

The lack of drama is partly the reason for my love to come home. The only form of communication with my current life in KL is through the internet and my phone, and I'm pretty good at ignoring notifications. So my life here is basically drama-free. In short, I don't do much here, just the essentials. This, is the exact beauty of being home. The luxury to be laid back, to go with the flow. I'm practically living in my tiny box, not giving two craps about whatever that's going on outside cuz honestly, I don't care. I'm too satisfied to be screwed over insignificant matters, or even significant ones. Whatever.

It's my favourite time of the year. There's so much to look forward to, so much to be happy and excited about. Can November just move aside already?

What a rainy ending given to a perfect day

I'm typing this on my phone as I wait for the timer on the cycling machine to hit zero. Gym is difficult again today. My legs don't seem to want to move. I guess they want a rest too. 

Tomorrow morning, and I'll be in that train on my way home. This is all that's been keeping me moving through the week. It's the third weekday and it feels like Friday already. Or I just want it to be Friday. 

I just feel reluctant when it comes to actually doing something. All I can bring myself to do is to cook my meals and finish my daily dose of dramas. I'm way behind my paper 1 study schedule. I spent 2 hours today trying to finish a chemistry paper. And no, it's not don't yet. I have no clue how I'm going to persuade myself to study at home but really, the progress here is almost nonexistent. So why not invest a little for a change of environment? 

KL city is buried in a huge grey bundle of angry clouds again. I went to the city yesterday and had the second best ramen I've ever had, first of course being the one I had in Oyama. Spend about 200 bucks again. Way over my budget this month, and I have like 20 bucks left in my purse for the journey home tomorrow. Sometimes I feel guilty for spending money without even thinking, mainly feeling sorry for my dad who is practically forever working. But then, I always just give up calculating and mentally doing money math halfway and finish whatever notes I have with me. Not that I don't feel guilty. And I don't know why I'm talking about this right now.

20 minutes left.

I can't believe it's November. I really can't. Where did all the time go?

January, I was silently counting down to the month when A Levels will officially end, thinking that it's going to take forever, but now, I just hope that this was a 24 months programme instead of 18. 

I'm not ready for A2. I'm not ready to leave college, to start over in a completely stranger city. I don't want to adapt again. New faces and first conversations, new home and fresh routines. As much as I'm seeking for changes, I'm not ready for all these. Because this time, I know I'll be completely alone. I can't just pack and go home for the weekend when things get tough, I can't rely on somebody else to come save me. 

University. It's everything I've ever wanted as a child. It has been a destination since I started to go to school. It's the ultimate goal, the place we are all dying to go. It means that you're all grown up, you're the closest to total freedom than you can ever be. But right now, to me, it's ceasing to be a child, a teen. It's being in charge and being responsible for everything that has got to do with yourself, mistakes and decision. 

10 minutes left. 

It's drizzling here. 

Now playing: Yellow, Coldplay.

Yeah I have a phone now, but I miss my mom taking me to places and holding my hand so that I wouldn't get lost. I live in the city now, I have my fair share of freedom, but I miss weekend trips with my family and Saturday eating outs. I can drive now, but I miss sitting on the passenger seat talking to dad and staring out the window. I shop for my own clothes now, but I miss mom giving my sister and I a budget and let us get whatever we want from the store as long as she approves of it. 

We gain, and we lose. It's how it works. But sometimes I just wish I could ungain and unlose things, just for a little while. 

Maybe that's why people are so obsessed over time machines.

Counting stars

Hey it's Friday. :)

Just came back from a very spicy lunch, and yeah I was sweating like I've ran for half an hour. Physics 2, to me was quite doable. I was smiling to myself as I exited the exam room, and then people started to question on everything and I'm not so sure anymore. Sometimes, I wish I could just block out whatever comments that come in my way and just let it go. It's all gone and done with. No rewinds, hence no regrets, but I just HAVE to go stick my heads into conversations, and recall whatever I wrote on the answer booklet. I think I have the worst self-control anyone can ever have.

This week was plain. It wasn't exactly dry, nor was it half as exciting as the normal college days, but it was quite peaceful and pleasant. At least I didn't overthink or overanalyse anything. The days were simple, the nights short, sleeps uninterrupted. I know I sound like some old woman living in a cottage in some village, but yeah. Basically my week was well spent with books and knowledge and drama series. 

I'm counting down to next weekend, and of course December. Next weekend being my visit home after more than a month since my last trip. I miss home, a lot. I don't even know where to start. And December, is just December. I don't even know if we are going on a family vacay and I don't really care either. I just want December to be here. We all deserve a real break after an eleven months long roller coaster. I know the view had been pretty spectacular, but I really need to feel the ground, to stop and take a breathe or two before I go on board again.

*Thoughts:

We don't always have to know things we don't know. Sometimes things are better left unclear and unanalysed. I know this is very unconvincing coming from me, someone who just has to explain everything, but I've learnt. If things are beautiful the way they are, leave it be, savor it, remember it. Don't try to put too much thoughts into the scenario, don't try to draw a conclusions, because you really don't need to. And conclusions might not be as important as you see them to be.

Coming up next week, Chemistry 2 and 7 hours of A2 Biology and home. 

Cheers,