Times like this, when you're traveling 140kph on an intercity train, barging past towns and forests and plantations. You don't care what's going on outside. You don't give a damn about what you need to do or what's on you're schedule because you don't have one. All you see out the window are trees and a rusty railway track. It was raining, but now it's just dense clouds. You can see rain pouring on mountains in the distance and you wonder if people there know that it's dry here like you know it's raining there.
You wonder what they are going to do with the old trains that lie abandoned by the railway. You have no idea where you are right now but you don't want to know either. Part of you wants to reach your destination as fast as possible, but another part of you doesn't want the ride to end, because know how rare it is for you to have peace like that. You are silently laughing at yourself for wanting to have a skyscraper view outside your bedroom's window, because right now, oil palms and rubber trees seem so beautiful.
Thinking about the past two weeks, you realize that they were the most productive and most unproductive weeks this entire year. You had four subjects stuffed into your brain, facts that you probably will not need for the rest of your life after college ends. But on the other hand, you did nothing else. You talked and laughed the least in these two weeks. Every moment, you were thinking about the paper you are suppose to sit for the next day.
You go to bed every night reminding yourself that you can't afford to get anything wrong because the results you are getting are going to be sent to University if Southampton and UCL. Your know, very clearly that you need them to want you. Although in your heart, they are so very shallow for judging somebody according to a result slip and 4000 characters of self-boasting. You don't want to spend 4 years in London but getting into UCL will earn you a scholarship and approval from everybody else.
Isn't it contradicting, when they say that you're suppose to live in the present and not be forever chasing the future? But every single second was last second's future. So technically we are living in the future. And if you don't give enough thoughts about the future, which will eventually become the present, the present will never be how you want it to be. We want it all, but we can never have it all. Focus on the present and you lose the future, think about the future and the present will just pass us by.
We sacrifice our freedom for comfort. We drown ourselves with obligations and expectations for wealth and quality lifestyle. But what if we've given the wrong definition to wealth? What if wealth means having the right to make decisions according to your heart's desire? What if wealth isn't proven with numerical figures but the flexibility of your life? You can do whatever that makes your happy and never have to be responsible over something you didn't sign up for. That's wealth too.
Being with people you love, people that make you a happier person is much more satisfying than impressing people that you don't even know. But that's what we do. We make sure that we are always accelerating upwards, that our labels are always shiny. We care too much about meaningless fame, neglecting what mattered the most in the beginning, thinking that its gonna be there waiting for us when we return. But things are ever changing, and there is no guarantee that it will still be the same when we finally turn around.
What if happiness isn't there, but here? They say happiness is something or somebody you can't go one day without thinking of. What comes into your mind when you wake up? What makes you smile in the middle of nothing? What do you go to sleep to?
Warning: unglamorous footnotes to a thoughtful post.
Omg I need to pee so badly but the auntie beside me is sleeping and she's blocking the way. I can't bear to wake her up because I requested for the window sit and she's really old, probably with joints problems. But I need to peeeeeeee.......
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