Eighteen

Eighteen years sound really long. But really, it's not even halfway through.

Being past seventeen doesn't really mark any significance in one's personal life. Yes, you can buy tequila from a wine shop, win a lottery or marry anyone you like. You can also be thrown in jail for beating up somebody or robbing a shop. You're under less legal protection now. Juvenile laws can be no longer be applied on you. Basically you're responsible for every crime you commit now. In most places you can even vote or go to a casino but I'm just not interested in any of that. Despite all the legal changes, your parents will still treat you like the way they did yesterday, or last year. At least for me they do. 

I'm still the baby, the kid who will cry when my parents raise their voices on me, who gets really scared when my dad lectures me for a mistake I made. I still wouldn't tell them I went out for a beer with my friends although I'm totally entitled to. They'll still call me when they realize I'm not behind them in the mall to make sure I'm not kidnapped like a 2 year-old. They would still hold my hand when we're crossing the road for I can never judge the speed of the on-coming cars. 

Being eighteen is more of a reminder that I'm growing up, that I have only 2 full year left to my teenage years. I don't want to stop being a teenager, to stop having all the time in the world. We may not have the freedom to do anything, but we have all the rights to dream and to wish. Because when they say that the future is ours to live, they mean it literally. 

The magical thing about birthdays, they make you feel really special, and for that one day in a year, even a thunderstorm is beautiful. I mean, look, the skies are cheering for you. But really, it's also a day for you to be grateful. Grateful for the life you're living, the people who care about you. Cuz when people wish you 'happy birthday', you smile and say 'thank you'. 

It is also a wake up call, to let go of the past. Stop holding on to what that's already fading away. People that you don't own anymore, feelings that will never be the same again, hearts that are far beyond your reach. It's been years and it's time to move on now. It's time to rearrange people's placings in my life, time to care for those who matter more now, and lock the memories up in a less easily accessible spot. 

I couldn't ask for better days. The past two days were mere happiness. Frankly speaking, the previous week was very difficult for me. Let's just say that the trials wasn't the best exam ever, and the results were plain depressing. But thank God the week ended with rainbows and unicorns. The movie yesterday had me thinking. Why let the past interfere with the future? Life has a way of fixing things. One can never always be on the down side. And even when you're on the down side, not everything is in black and white. There will still be colours. You just need to stop and look up.

I woke up to a phone call today, with my best friend screaming on the other end. And introduced me to some random Cantonese expression that had me laughing like mad. I half consciously completed a present-hunt my housemates set up for me, and they caught it all on video. I'm vulnerable to them now. Maybe I should flush their phones down the toilet one day.

Last night's pre-birthday was the best. Made the boys watch a love story (that involved time travel <-- not so plain cheesy) and they actually said it was not mad. Had American food and my first ever meat loaf. Had my first beer without being under surveillance. Such achievements. Told my mom I was gonna be out at night and she didn't enquire like a detective. She didn't ask where or with who. She didn't call to have me busted if I was in a club or something. Frankly, I'm quite touched. 

I should really come up with a list of stuff to accomplish before I turn 20. Because right now I have all the time and energy and resources in the world. :) 

We are but dust

It's petrifying, how people that make you happy have the greatest power to hurt you. All they need to do is to walk away, and they'll bring your happiness with them. Maybe that's why it's so difficult for us to surrender to people that are the sources of our smiles and laughters, because we know they ought to leave one day, and will end up standing still being all miserable as they move forward. 

Where's the magic when you need it?

Not letting go would be living a lie

There are seriously too many people with too many problems. And the irony is, their problems are present solely because of somebody else, an outside factor. They can easily step out and close the door behind them, but they don't.

The ugly truth(s) :

- Sometimes, we may treat people like their special to us, but our efforts can easily be unappreciated and taken for granted. It's true. You may pour every single effort into someone, and in the end, you may simply turn out to be a spare tyre. Meaning, you're only summoned when THEY themselves need a shoulder to cry on. It's not a bad thing, being a comfort pillow to somebody, but balance is key. Nobody likes to only be needed at bad times, like they're not worthy of the good times.

- If a person is really with your time and effort, they really shouldn't be giving you heartaches and sleepless nights. I mean, you don't need their recognition to be a happy person. Who are they to screw with your feelings? If someone makes you unhappy, then just abandon ship and march on. I may sound selfish, but hey, it's my life and my happiness I'm talking about.

- What happened to pillow talks? If a relationship can be ruined just because you decided to lay the problems out on a table, then you really need to do some thinking. Pillow talks can go 2 ways. Everything may be solved after that, or you will just stop talking and everything will be awkward and awful. But not talking it out is awkward and awful too, so it's a bet worth considering.

- Yeah, you might hurt their feelings, but what about your feelings? Did they think twice about hurting yours?

I know this whole post is really really really SELF centered. But I see no point in being unhappy for a person. It's something I'm learning myself. Sometimes, I just let people ruin my mood too much, like I'm living for them and not myself. And when I turn around, I realize I'm really not that important to them, so why am I letting them interfere with my feelings so much?

Joke: NON-SELF(s) is/are gonna be eaten by phagosomes or be destroyed by antibodies anyway.

(Okay this is really bad but at least I can apply!!!) 

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world

- JRR Tolkien

Times like this, when you're traveling 140kph on an intercity train, barging past towns and forests and plantations. You don't care what's going on outside. You don't give a damn about what you need to do or what's on you're schedule because you don't have one. All you see out the window are trees and a rusty railway track. It was raining, but now it's just dense clouds. You can see rain pouring on mountains in the distance and you wonder if people there know that it's dry here like you know it's raining there. 

You wonder what they are going to do with the old trains that lie abandoned by the railway. You have no idea where you are right now but you don't want to know either. Part of you wants to reach your destination as fast as possible, but another part of you doesn't want the ride to end, because know how rare it is for you to have peace like that. You are silently laughing at yourself for wanting to have a skyscraper view outside your bedroom's window, because right now, oil palms and rubber trees seem so beautiful.

Thinking about the past two weeks, you realize that they were the most productive and most unproductive weeks this entire year. You had four subjects stuffed into your brain, facts that you probably will not need for the rest of your life after college ends. But on the other hand, you did nothing else. You talked and laughed the least in these two weeks. Every moment, you were thinking about the paper you are suppose to sit for the next day. 

You go to bed every night reminding yourself that you can't afford to get anything wrong because the results you are getting are going to be sent to University if Southampton and UCL. Your know, very clearly that you need them to want you. Although in your heart, they are so very shallow for judging somebody according to a result slip and 4000 characters of self-boasting. You don't want to spend 4 years in London but getting into UCL will earn you a scholarship and approval from everybody else. 

Isn't it contradicting, when they say that you're suppose to live in the present and not be forever chasing the future? But every single second was last second's future. So technically we are living in the future. And if you don't give enough thoughts about the future, which will eventually become the present, the present will never be how you want it to be. We want it all, but we can never have it all. Focus on the present and you lose the future, think about the future and the present will just pass us by. 

We sacrifice our freedom for comfort. We drown ourselves with obligations and expectations for wealth and quality lifestyle. But what if we've given the wrong definition to wealth? What if wealth means having the right to make decisions according to your heart's desire? What if wealth isn't proven with numerical figures but the flexibility of your life? You can do whatever that makes your happy and never have to be responsible over something you didn't sign up for. That's wealth too.

Being with people you love, people that make you a happier person is much more satisfying than impressing people that you don't even know. But that's what we do. We make sure that we are always accelerating upwards, that our labels are always shiny. We care too much about meaningless fame, neglecting what mattered the most in the beginning, thinking that its gonna be there waiting for us when we return. But things are ever changing, and there is no guarantee that it will still be the same when we finally turn around.

What if happiness isn't there, but here? They say happiness is something or somebody you can't go one day without thinking of. What comes into your mind when you wake up? What makes you smile in the middle of nothing? What do you go to sleep to?

Warning: unglamorous footnotes to a thoughtful post.

Omg I need to pee so badly but the auntie beside me is sleeping and she's blocking the way. I can't bear to wake her up because I requested for the window sit and she's really old, probably with joints problems. But I need to peeeeeeee.......