I will tell myself 'I like today' with a smile everyday before I go to sleep.

It's not that my life needs a facelift or something. I like my current life, despite the mocks coming in a week, I still enjoy it very much. It's just, sometimes I get caught in the stress and I forget to appreciate stuff. I forget to smile and say thank you, I forget to feel grateful for waking up in the morning. 

When there's a so-called BIG thing (and sometimes it's really not that big) coming up, we often tend to overlook the small tiny things that are worth feeling grateful for. 

Every morning, the moment you open your eyes, that very day has the full potential in being the best day of your life.

My thoughts are stars I can’t fathom into constellation

“You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.”  - The Fault in Our Stars.

Finally, from cover to cover.

I read the entire climax in maths class today because I couldn't bring myself to stop reading. For a full hour, I was fighting back tears. I read every single sentence, afraid that I might miss something. I don't know how to write book reviews, but all I can say is "John Green has an extraordinary mind and he writes with class and style." 

I can't say that the ending was totally unexpected, ignoring the fact that I know who dies in the end way before I got even halfway through the story. And well, the most important aspect isn't who dies. It's the story itself. Gus and Hazel had a really really selfless, pure affair. And no love story can beat theirs. It's romance in tragedy. But somehow, my mind tends to focus more on the parts where there were unicorns and stardust. 

And it's not just about the romance too.

The way he designs the dialogues amaze me. Conversation between them, the way they talk about cancer like its no big deal, the way he narrated through Hazel. Hazel read through everything, she had a mind that never stops interpreting and analyzing. This is John Green.

I really should be sleeping right now. Long day tomorrow, although it starts at 9am.

When did you last let your heart decide?

Thanks to the trials coming up in early September, I barely have time to breathe these days. My life revolves solely around college, meals and my studies. And I have this strong craving for good, addictive novels all of a sudden. Such terrible timing, I know.

Times like this, I wish I had nothing to do. No academic obligations or whatnot. I just wanna sit down, at home, on my couch with snacks and tea, and read my day away. It's the closest and cheapest form of joy, in relative to paradise. 

I'm fighting every urge to throw everything aside and finish The Fault in Our Stars, despite having told the major, and I mean MAJOR, spoiler. It's so authentic, so simple and pure, that I just can't not finish it. I'm squeezing in half and hour before bedtime to slowly get it done with.

So I'm gonna abandon this post and start reading (although I have a test tomorrow).

My favorite paragraph so far: 

“I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.”

It's really simple, super straightforward. Nothing much to ponder about, no lines in between. He just said what was on his mind, and it was enough.

It's simplicity at its best. :)

Through the doors and past the guards

Planning to study and ended up watching Pretty Little Liars and now blogging while I listen to all the covers I've missed out on. This has to stop happening. Trials is in less than a month, I'm not even half prepared. Then I see my cousin, doing the same programme I'm doing right now, same intake, just one different subject, and he's studying harder than a final year med school student. I feel so guilty just looking at him.

Last Sunday when I came back to KL, all I couldn't think of is the long long week ahead. And the days felt like forever. 1 hour classes felt like years, but then it's already Thursday again. How I wish I could just fast forward to December when I have all the freedom in the world. I swear, I'll go to somewhere, anywhere, with a bunch of people I'm really comfortable with and have fun like nothing else matters.

The last time I had this was 3 years ago. It was the best feeling ever. EVER. I didn't take any calls, I didn't go on the internet. I basically moved my life to Japan for 2 weeks. I came back as a different person, to a different life and I really wanna do that again. I want a trip where the only people you are in contact with are those you met along the way and the ones you went with. A trip where you don't have to give two craps about what's going on in the world. I know it's really hard to get something like that, but I really wish I'd have the chance to do it again.

Sometimes, you just need a clean break from reality and go live in a fairytale for a little while and be a little more self centered. Forget what the world expects from you and focus on what you want for yourself, genuinely. 

One of my favourite pictures, at my favourite place in the entire world.

Man I miss this castle.

I'd be a janitor there if it means I get to stare at it everyday. I wanna celebrate my 21st birthday there, get married there, bring all my kids there and have them fall in love with it too.

Well, enough of day (or night) dreaming. Reality is, I have a really important exam that practically defines my future in 2 months, and I can't afford to let anything go wrong. Come to think of it, it all makes sense. I need to study, to get into some really good university, where I'll meet the love of my life and he'll bring me to Disneyland on my 21st birthday. I get employed with some really impressive pay once I graduate and earn enough money for a wedding in Disneyland and I SHALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

So hence, I need to study. So I can get married in Disneyland. It all makes perfect sense.

What's past is prologue

- The Tempest

I was trying to figure out what to blog about but I couldn't come up with anything that's suitable at the moment, then I remembered that I actually have a desktop at home, with all my precious pictures saved in it, so I decided to dig out some old photos which I've probably uploaded on my previous blog before. All of these pictures are taken by me except for the last one. 

And I think that it's quite surprising that I can remember EXACTLY when, how and where I took every single one of these pictures.

Taipei, slightly less than 2 years ago.

Hotel balcony, reminded me of Manhattan's sunset. 

Second best trip in my life, first being Japan in 2010.

Nami Island, South Korea 4 years ago.

An old man was patiently sweeping shapes of hearts in the cold.

It was freezing, I tell you. FREEZING.

This place was where Winter Sonata was filmed and I'm going back, one fine day in the far future, with my future husband.

Seoul, South Korea 4 years ago.

It was the first time I saw snow.

It was magical.

Something I really really REALLY miss. 

My 15th birthday's present, best present I've gotten so far.

I choose to believe that he's alive, somewhere, be it another dimension. 

I just want him to know that I miss him so much I talk about him every time I come home from KL, that I'm hoping, so hard, that mom doesn't remove the lily bush because it was his favourite spot.

Straits Quay, Penang, August 2011.

Favourite mall till now.

I was standing in the middle of some Mid-Autumn Festival bazaar.

Pantai Remis 2 to 3 years ago.

Got to set a batch of baby turtles free.

Toys belong to baby (not-so-baby-now) Isaac.

Sentosa Island, Singapore last March.

Candilicious being a heaven as usual.

In the midst of Moral project last year.

This, I miss too.

One of the most carefree days of my life.

I don't know why, but I think 2012 was really happy and memorable. It didn't have much drama. The days were short and sweet as if the world was ours to own.

(Credits to DAD!!! )

The very peak of Mount. Kinabalu, Sabah, last year.

Don't ask me why there are still higher peaks! Just enjoy the picture.

This is the sole reason why I vowed that I'll climb that mountain one day. I'm just looking for somebody that is crazy enough to do it with me.

There you go! Tiny bits of life from the past. Sometimes, we need the past to nudge us to move on, move forward.

You lift my feet off the ground

Another Friday :)

I realized I practically only blog on Fridays. I'm not a busy person. I just waste a lot of time doing nothing. I like staring into the distance, having zero thoughts in my mind. Even when I'm home, whenever I have nothing to do I'll end up sitting in the garden watching Shiloh minding his own business or even watch him sleep. If I were an artist, I'd be a good one. I'm not trying to flatter myself cuz it's true. I have problem noticing huge important things but I am able to observe the tiniest detail. This only applies to things that interest me.

3rd day of Raya break at home and all I did was laugh, play, sleep, talk to everyone about everything and eat. Was suppose to get the whole AS of physics stuck in my head but I only managed to conquer 2 chapters. Oh and I'm currently my family's new driver. I've been driving my sister to ballet everyday, the entire family out for meals. And I'm quite surprised that mom let me drive to club with my sister. 

I don't like driving alone because I'll end up doing stupid things. Everytime I drive home alone after dropping my sister off, I'll use different roads to get home. I'm serious. Long and short ways. I don't even know why I did that. I'm quite worried for myself sometimes. I have the worst reflex anyone can have and yet I'm always the one taking the most risk.

*too sleepy and decided to sleep*

*next day*

Drove in a storm. Achievement unlocked! :)

Gosh I'm telling you, Shiloh is so expressive it can be so overwhelming sometimes. I was playing with him and all of a sudden, I thought to myself, 'why can't humans be like that too?' Why can't we tell somebody we love them without having to mentally write a script and still feel awkward? 

Wedding vows shouldn't be written on cards. It should be an impromptu speech. If you love somebody enough to marry them, telling them how much they mean to you shouldn't be a problem.

Shiloh shows us that he likes us by following us around and licking us, everywhere. He walks when we walk, and sits by our side when we stop walking. He stands up and wags his tail like crazy when we come out and jumps on us when he's happy and he wants to play.

We scold him when he bites on the furniture and lock him up every night. We only play with him when we're free and when it's not too hot outside, but he never seems to mind. All that matters to him is that we let him out every morning and we  make the effort to play with him 

If only humans can be less calculating and care less about egoism instead of always trying to win and wanting to receive more than giving.

All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust

- from Peter Pan

I am suppose to be studying Lattice Energy right now but instead I'm sitting here, trying to convince myself to not over think things. Had a terrible sleep last night, started the day by feeling really lost and confused and unsatisfied. I didn't even want to wake up. When the first thoughts of the day were all in swears and curses, the day will not be good. That's proven.

I don't really know how I lived through today, still looking so normal on the outside. I just kept on eating, swallowing whatever that comes to me. Thanks to the stupid haze I didn't get to swim. So today was all input and zero output. Whatever. At least if a meteor hits the planet tomorrow, I won't die with regrets. 

Oh my gosh what the crap is wrong with me? 

I wish I had a switch for my brain and whenever I want to stop feeling and thinking I could just turn it off. One flip and life is all rainbows and unicorns again. I seriously can't wait for tomorrow's train home. 5 days at home, with no Internet connections, that's what I really need right now. I want to breathe again. Not having good thoughts is so tiring but it's not like I have any control over it. I wish I had. Then I could just filter out all the bad ones.

I need to stop knowing things, stop thinking about things and interpreting things, when they aren't even suppose to matter to me anymore. Basically, I just need a holiday, an escape from the present world. It's way to messed up and unpredictable and cruel and ambiguous. You really wanna talk to someone about stuff but you have no idea what it is categorized under, hence you don't know who to tell them to. My life is a mess. Yeap, that's the best description I can come up with. 

It's all because you're by my side

Whaaaaat a day. But one of the best Fridays I've had so far. :)

I went out at 7.30am this morning and came back at 11pm. Physically tired but mentally more enthusiastic than before. 

Mom and I went for a really satisfying mom and daughter date which involved La Bodega's tapas and Illy's coffee and KL's best fried hokkien mee and H&M and the lower ground floor of Pavilion. Man, shopping with a mom is so much more convenient. I swear. And when it comes to groceries, you can just grab whatever in Mercato and junk it in the trolley and move on like a boss. 

Came back to Bricksfield after dinner and went straight to YMCA for a cell group meeting. I think it was one of the most inspirational church meetings I've ever been to. No I'm not Christian, and no I don't plan to be one, and I still choose to believe in rocket science instead of stories in a book but I actually like going to services and cell meetings. I feel perfectly comfortable probably because I'm so used to having people praying for each other and sharing their thoughts, religious or not. And I really thank my mom for exposing me to cultures like that since I was a kid.

One thing I really enjoy about these religious meetings (I've been to Buddhist Sunday schools, Christian camps and CG and services) is that, the atmosphere is always so positive. The ambient is so vibrant that there's no way you can have a single negative thought in your head, and for that few hours, you feel really light and loved. People there genuinely offer to give love and care about you just because they want to, and because they know its the right thing to do. For once, nobody is trying to prove anything or to gain anything. 

I guess I'm just really intrigued by how people of my own age can gather around to spread love and kindness despite whatever the society is mutating into. And well, I think that's this makes me a better person, one way or another. It thought me the art and joy of sharing and giving, that making others happy is another way to make myself happy too. I can honestly said that I'm not as self-centered or as calculating as I was before. The Me 6 months ago will never think of spending more than 10 bucks on somebody else just out of the blues just to make them smile. Unless its a special occasion or something. I'd never want to just give away things that I might possibly still need.

I think what changed me the most were my housemates. Those 3 girls, they spread so much love that its impossible to not be touched. Seeing them happy, is like seeing my little sister being all excited and smiling. And it's even more satisfying when I know that I'm the reason behind those smiles (okay maybe I'm still self-centered, but in a different way now teehee). I don't know how life will be like in another 10 months time, when we no longer come back to each other everyday, forever laughing about stories and our days. I enjoy their presence so much that I can just ignore whatever flaws and imperfections in them. 

I don't think any of them even read my blog, and I hope they don't either cuz it's way too cheesy, coming from me but yeah. It's almost 1am, and I typed that in a perfection conscious mind.

Till next time. Cheers,