Roller coaster

Boy it's been one hell of a week.

Every evening, I come home, and all I could do was to change into shorts and lie flat on my bed. Too worn to do anything productive, too lazy to even cook myself dinner, so exercising was out of the picture. So much for 'regular exercise' resolution. Most of the time I was confused it I was mentally or physically tired. I can't even distinguish the two anymore, or maybe they're somewhat related?

I just spent two hours of my life figuring out 12 ECG graphs, Googling terminology after terminology, method after method... Just to know which side of the heart underwent hypertrophy. In movies, it all seem so simple. If the monitor keeps bleeping regularly, that person is good. If the rhythm is irregular, or goes faster, he's dying. If it's a long bleep dragging through, he's gone. Simple. But NOOOO... 

I'm so glad that I decided to go home tomorrow night, after days of consideration. 2 days of break is better than none, despite all the time spent travelling and settling down. 2 weeks into Semester 2 and I can't wait for it to be over.

still searching

Sometimes, I wish that I am one of those people who find their passion by just playing in the playground as children. They have it easy, not having to go through the process of finding themselves. But come to think of it, it's also quite a privilege, to be able to go on such a long search. At least my journey is a story worth telling.

I like spending my time on a lot of things, but I'm still waiting to stumble across a particular one that makes my heart race and smiles of satisfaction, like 'this is it'. My eureka moment or something like that, as cliche as it sounds. 

Maybe there is no such moment, maybe it'll only happen gradually, as I invest my time and effort. Maybe it's like falling in love, most people don't get princes racing on horses just to save them from the evil witch. Maybe passion is earned, like affection. Not overnight, not at first glance, maybe it takes time.

Boy I've tried. Music, running, games, reading, writing, studying (heck), drawing, painting, photography, planning... I still like doing all these, but they're not 'it'.

Perhaps I'm looking too far, beyond sight. Maybe my passion is food. Searching for inspirations and ideas online and on Instagram, trying strange combinations, critisizing like a real critic, loving the smell of freshly baked cookies more than Chanel fragrances, choosing take-outs over flowers... It's a sign, no?

great expectations?

Sometimes, I really wonder what I'm trying to do to myself.

I don't understand why I expect so much from the stuff I do or care about. What do I plan to do with all that perfections? Nothing. I just want everything to be shiny and pretty, it makes me feel accomplished. And when it doesn't turn out to be what I expected, I just feel so bad about myself, like I'm the most terrible, unaccomplished person in the world. Talk about self image. 

I just can't comprehend not getting the end product I want. I know I'm making my own life miserable by wanting so much, but I can't help it. My sense of satisfaction and self appreciation comes from achieving my aspirations. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that being perfect in a certain field doesn't make me a perfect person. Heck I don't even want to be perfect, but I just tend to seek flawlessness in certain things, and I don't even know why.

I wish leaves turn orange here too.

baby steps

learning:

- to love parts of myself that aren't worth loving

- to change parts of myself that I can't even stand

- to be honest to myself

- to give my heart the attention it deserves

- to see beauty in everything

What's wrong with finding comfort in silence?

'She's very quiet' 

This is the top (9 out of 10) comment I get during parents-teachers' meetings, what most people say when they're asked to give a brief description of me, first impressions at least. And most of the time, their tones carry slight hints of accusation. It's more of a criticism than a neutral comment. 

I don't understand.

Is it necessary to always have opinions on everything? What if I really have nothing to say? Do I just babble whatever unconstructive statement I can come up with? 

Do I always have to talk to people when I'm surrounded by talking beings? Do I always have to start and continue conversations when I bump into somebody I know? Is it impolite to stare at my phone or read a book when I'm sitting next to a person who is doing nothing? Is a simple greeting of hello not enough?

Why am I labeled as 'antisocial' if I find peace by just spending an entire day in my room alone? Can't I just eat dinner alone while watching Netflix instead of having a meal outside with my friends? 

Humans are divided into extroverts and introverts. But why do people tend to think that there are more faults in the latter? 

Are extroverts 'better' than introverts? Because I've always assumed that it's just a category, like male and female, or long-haired and short-haired. 

As an introvert, I accept how some people have the need to express their feelings by speaking and sounding their opinions, and how they feel more comfortable to be talking to people around them, instead of just exchanging smiles and nods. I have no problem having a conversation with anybody. But why can't other people think that it's okay for me to enjoy being the listener instead of the speaker? What if I really don't need the acknowledgment from the whole world?

If you're not too noisy, then why am I too quiet?

growth

TaiChung, winter 2014.

Orientation for the February intake of 2015 just ended, last night. Or should I say 3am this morning?

I'm not a person of noisy parties, or crowded rooms, and orientation was all that. It was 300 over juniors (strangers) crammed in a lecture hall every evening, cheering and screaming their lungs out as people performed the most random tasks and skits on stage, and running around playing games that had no solid aim or whatsoever. So I'm quite surprised, for when I said that I enjoyed it, I wasn't lying. I liked it this time round more that I liked my own orientation. Yes, the plannings and logistics were very flawed, yes we fought (almost) and argued, but I like how it gave me a change to know people who I already know all over again, and also introduced strangers that I will regret not knowing.

These two weeks felt like a vacation. A working vacation maybe. I had my responsibilities, things I had to do, people I had to look after, but it was carefree. My time spent didn't have to be productive, or constructive. I didn't have lectures to attend or read. Packing food for 20 people was a headache but I had more fun than anything else when the 2 or 3 of us walked around the food truck, mixing and matching different combinations of dishes, and saying, "Whoever that manages to take this pack is so lucky". It was all these little things.

"On the first day, they were like babies. And it's like we've been watching them grow."

Find your own happiness

Find your own happiness. Happiness that belongs to you, one that's not based on the existence of a certain someone, or something. People promise you a lot of things, but they don't always feel obliged to keep their promises.

Search for happiness that changes you for the better, that makes you shine. Happiness that gives you strength and bravery to turn your head away from elements that hold you down, because you deserve nothing less than your happiest self.

You don't owe anybody anything, but you do owe yourself a good life, a life that is worth living.