Not aiming to please

If the only way for you to like me is for me to change and bend in all possible ways to suit your preferences, then don't like me at all. I'm not going to give two craps about it. I wasn't born a pleaser, or a follower, or a disciple of any sort. I'm programmed to ignore influence, to resist dominance. I will never crouch to prove anyone of their superiority, which explains my choice of career. I'd prefer to not having to report to anybody, or to explain whatever decision I've made just so that my work will be recognised. I can't, because I really don't care if people agree on my choices or not.

I have my principles and I plan to stick to it. If you have a problem with it, or is trying to persuade me to sway from it, give up. Just drop it and leave. I don't need your approval to be certain of myself. I'm stubborn like that.

If you somehow is convinced that you're better than me, then continue to think that way, and go back to your spot of higher level because you obviously think that you and me are not on par. But then you're probably just miserable since you find the need to take me as a comparison. Stop telling me how you're ranked above me, stop telling me that I don't have what it takes, that whatever I have is merely antipasti to your ravioli, then sorry to disappoint. I don't like pasta. You can fill yourself up in starch all you want because I'm not even interested.

Yes I'd rather dig ice cream from the tub for dinner than eat gourmet flour drowned in extra virgin olive oil and sprinkled with imported herbs and sundried tomatoes.

You can judge, or even better, get a life.

'Nobody hates waffles.'

- He who comes up with the most authentic quotes

I'd fly you to the stars and back again

m i s s

^

basically how I feel everyday

It's like I've been living on memories these days, looking forward to the future memories to be made. Everyday, I wonder why I'm here and not there. Everyday, I wish I was there. 

Missing someone is a strange feeling. For me, it's not about the companionship. I'm fairly okay about being alone. In fact, I've grown to feel comfortable being alone, I've learnt to appreciate this silence, after 18 months of living with people of my age. It's those moment, when I experience something, and have the urge to turn around for attention, and ask if you saw it. It's those times, when I'm smiling like an idiot and I wish you were as happy too. It's wanting you to be a part of everything, to experience the same feelings, to see the details. It's complex. But it's there.

But I've also learnt how distance can change things. Yes, it's like a gamble, and there are plenty of times where people lose to the spaces between them. For me, distance is more of a teacher. I've learnt to appreciate and cherish the moments when we have each other. It's a test. If you hold on, you know what you really want. Nobody will take the trouble to invest such immense effort in something they don't truly desire. It's evidence of strength, of faith and of trust.

I don't even know how I came out with this entry. But it's almost midnight. So nights.

ice cream (from Aus)

Cookies 'n cream + Chocolate hazelnut + Rocky Road (topping)

Plain vanilla (eww... brother insisted...) + espresso

withdrawal symptoms

Gosh I wish I could hit the rewind button, and replay 14th July to 17th (and 18th, *winks*) July for a few times, until I'm ready to move on again. It's not fair how fast it passed. Time should adjust its pace according to the level of fun. The more fun it is, the slower time passes. 

Now I realised how much I miss living with my friends. The freedom and flexibility. When bedtimes and meal times are basically non-existent. When there are no rules, and everyone just looks after everyone. 

Those past 4 days had been divine. And I miss every single thing about it. I miss the laughter, the car rides, the irregular meals, the late night goofing around, dinner on newspaper by the beach in the dark, 2 rounds of supper, squeezing into a room to talk about the randomest things, acting like kids and then going to a pub to get 3 buckets of beer and shots at night, truth-or-dare when everyone was sleepy-high... I miss the people. People who I knew I could have fun and laugh my guts our with, and trust them enough to let myself get tipsy (though ending up being the one to drive us back). The people that, I know, (some) are going to leave very soon, and I might be too stuck here to send them off.

And now, here I am, way to attached to people who I've learnt to love in these 18 months, not ready to move on, into a whole new social circle. 

to quote hamlet act III scene iii line 92, “no”

excused

currently:

living a princess' life

Burn like love, and love like fire

we are most easily annoyed and angry at the people we love the most

because we expect so much from them

it hurts to be disappointed by them 

because we know that we would do anything to not disappoint them

but that's love

to be utterly frustrated by someone and adore them anyway

Good morning.

A month and one week into my study-hiatus. A month and two weeks more to go. I haven't accomplished much, nor had my days been very exciting, but I'm not complaining. I am well aware that this is probably my final real holiday for (maybe) the rest of my life. Once my five-year degree course starts, there's practically zero break. Not a break like this anyway. And obligation-less holidays will not ever exist after that. No matter how long ahead I've planned a holiday, it will still be subjected to change, I will still have things to worry about, until the day I decided to forgo my practice, which will be in the far far future, so let's not think about that first.

I like my life now.

Wake up, have breakfast with my parents (sometimes alone if I wake up late), read the news, check the social media, do the breakfast dishes, go to the club to exercise (trying to hit 5 days a week), come home to shower, pick up my siblings from school, come home to lunch all ready on the dining table, lunch with the family, do the lunch dishes, take in the laundry, fold and iron the laundry, spend my afternoon in front of my computer watching Suits, go out for impromptu coffee sessions, run errands with mom (sometimes alone if she has work), send and pick up my siblings (tuition classes), help out with dinner, have dinner, dishes, family outing for groceries, or sometimes just stay home, 9.30pm drama, Skype call, sleep, and sometimes football if it's worth watching.

It's a routine, and honestly, I feel like I'll never run out of things to do. Maybe that's how it feels like being a stay-at-home housewife... lol... I guess I feel accomplished because I know that whatever I'm up to, I'm doing it for the family, something I haven't been doing for a year and a half and won't be doing for the next five years. That's why I'm only limiting all my outings to after lunch, or after dinner.

And I know that after the next two weeks I'll have to start prepping and shopping for my move back to KL. It sucks, being aware that my stay here is so temporary. This house feels like a holiday villa, where everything is so optimum, at my service, for my disposal. But also, I miss having things to be busy over. I don't know what I want.

of food

much reminder of Ben's General Foodstore in Publika

salads and more salads

i like salads

not a huge fan of cheese

but hey the sight of this makes people happy

Aussie fish and chips

fresh thick juicy fillet with hand-cut fries

firewood pizza covered with turkey ham, olives and fresh 'shrooms

pastry crispy on the outside and soft inside like roasted marshmallows