To doubt or to be doubted

Which one is better? Or worst?

To and island, where we'll meet

Morning world.

Another week gone, another month gone. It's the last day of February 2014, and I just found out this morning. It feels so surreal that we are already 2 months into 2014. But again I say that every time a month passes.

February 2014 was rather... Magical... I wish I could put it all in words here but I can't, so I guess it's reserved for my personal journal...

9am class, 3 hours of chemistry today. The only reason I don't really complain about it is that it falls on a Friday. Fridays are always exciting, and swift. But still exciting. The clock strikes 12, we walk out of the class room, room 302 if I'm not mistaken, and it's like the moment of freedom. We own the world and nobody owns us. Got to love that feeling.

One more week till I head home. This time with a little surprise in hand for the queen. It's been more than a month and if I don't go home by next week I think I will go mad. Like seriously. I totally don't sound like a spoilt, overly-attached to daddy and mommy kid right now... But you won't understand it I guess. I need constant visits back home, to remind me of a lot of stuff. Mostly to boost my self esteem and motivation for whatever I'm doing.

Okay time for my yoghurt breakfast and a little bit of morning tumblr. 

Fluffy pillow and the smell of my blanket

way too comfy to move

way too satisfied to change

i really like my life right now

why can't it just stay the same?

The past week was surprisingly short, like really short. It was Monday a moment ago and now tomorrow is Saturday. How did this even happen? I'd do a quick recap but I can't really recall the days.  I am halfway through biology past years, then I got really lazy and decided to go blog-hopping, and ended up remembering that I owe myself a weekly entry.

Last Friday was great.

Maybe great is a total understatement.

The weekends were short too.

Come to think of it, this past week had the most changes since 2014 started. 

My Friday night was spent lying in bed with two sisters-for-life, talking about memories and boys. And I fell asleep first heh... Guilty. But I guess the next time we get to pillow talk will be in a very distant future.

I don't know what's worse. Leaving or getting left behind. They're both equally cruel to the heart, equally damaging.

College days were short and sweet, thanks to the personal entertainer and ever-amazing friends. 

Highlight of the week: 10km run tomorrow, and my leg still hurts.

14 February

I chose posting a blog entry over writing in my journal.

Another Friday, with a special date: 14th February.

Funny how people are more pumped up for today than they were for Chinese New Year. 

In my opinion, today is not about locking hands and roaming around together till midnight, showing the entire world that you're with someone, or just buying gifts for that person because, well it's Valentine's day.

Valentine's Day, to me, is more of appreciation, gratitude and telling someone they're important to you. It's to say thank you to them for being there through it all, for loving you for who you are. It's a reminder, wanting you to know that of all people, they choose you, and you them.

Got to get ready for college now. Cheers, and happy Valentine's Day ❤️

E=hf

Happiness is

Having your eyes gaze into mine,

A moment short enough to last forever,

Thoughts and laughter intertwined,

Wanting you with me through my endeavours.

- http://eunicequay.blogspot.com

9 days into February. I am still in denial. Where did all the time go? It's like one second I was dreading for coming back to KL in December, and feeling excited for the new year at the same time, and the next, one month is gone. Poof...

CNY was as usual. TV programmes, heavy meals, stoning with the dears and camping in my grandma' house with containers of cookies and mini oranges. The reason I'm so sad that CNY is over is because now I have no big thing to look forward to anymore. The next important thing is like trials, on the final day of March. And it's not really something very exciting to anticipate, given me being less than half-prepared for it. 

And I'm not going home for the next 4 weeks, which makes life even more depressed. My weekends here are... Very monotonous. It's just me, books and the gym and slightly better cooking. And occasional trips to MidValley for groceries but that happens for only once a month. I always have this urge to just grab my bag and throw in some necessities and make an impromptu trip home on Friday noons. 

I really don't know what I want sometimes. It's not like I have nothing to do. I can write a damn long to-do list, and be too lazy to do anything and then complain that I'm bored. Then I'll go write in my journal or read blogs, waste time, and then start to panic at night when I realized I've got nothing done and complain that I have not enough time. I have very screwed up logic. Apologies.

Guess I shall go deal with photoelectrons and Albert Einstein's theories now. (who knew I would actually find quantum physics interesting...)

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I’ve been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head.”

—	Henry Rollins

To infinity and beyond

On the way to Penang. 

Mom's in charge of the wheel this time, with everybody else dozing off. It just me and a cup of hot mocha we picked up from McCafe.

Seeing everyone made me realize that time is really passing us by. Every single second, every single moment. We can never go back, ever again. I'm still trying to accept that my cousins, the people I grew up with, and actually working and earning a living. That the sister who I thought I have an eternity with, is leaving the country. I never thought that I'll ever have to spend CNY without her. Never. It never crossed my mind that we will somehow grow up, and leave to pursue our studies, and eventually work, start a family, that we will somehow have to spend CNY at someone else's hometown, i.e. our future husbands', and there is nothing we can do to stop that from happening. Unless we marry brothers from the same family but no I'm not marrying her boyfriend's brother. 

The point is, before this, before everyone started troubling over tertiary education, I really thought that I'm stuck with this bunch of mad, crazy, wonderful people, forever. That, like it or not, I'll have to spend every Chinese New Year talking shit and stoning and laughing with. But come to think of it, it was slowly happening, every single year.

We used to be so stubborn, and persistent, that we beg and beg our parents to let us sleepover at each other's house every time we meet. And we never slept. As time passed, we started cursing on each other for making noise because we wanted to sleep. And now, we stopped hiding and locking ourselves in each other's rooms so that our parents can't find us when they decide to head home. We come downstairs, obediently, say goodnight, and leave. It was a sign, I should've known.

The first time our parents allowed us to go out together, without the presence of any adult, the first time they dropped us at the entrance of a mall, the first time one of us drove us out... Those were signs. How could I not notice? 

And yesterday, it was my turn to drive. The first time, and maybe the last for at least another 2 years. At least.

To the big sister who clearly isn't more mentally matured than me, I can't imagine 

CNY without you. I don't know what I'll do, although we basically just stone in popo's house every year, blasting the air con, swallowing cookies, eating up all the tiny oranges. We are too dysfunctional together, we never get anything done, we cause troubles, we kill every faith and trust the adults have in us, we break things, and never fix them back, we never help to do anything, we demand way to much, we fight, physically, we cry, but we never, not even a single second, hated each other. We are the closest anybody who aren't from the same parents can get. We are so alike, yet so different in so many ways. I love how we can not communicate for months and the second me meet again, we are inseparatable. I love how we never learn from mistakes, that we can always piss people off without even trying. I love how we just stop caring about our reputations and laugh like retarded wasted idiots when we are together. 

I love you, more than just a cousin. I love you, for getting into trouble with me, getting punished with me, being insensible with me, for loving me back for all of that. I love you, for growing up with me, and for letting me grow up with you. I know that the furthest distance in the world will never do our relationship any difference. If we were couples, we would have the most effortless long-distance relationship in history. 

Cheers, to all the good times, to all the memories I'll never forget. Cheers, to the present and the future, to all the good times we will share. I'll make sure our kids grow up together. I'll make sure they are as dysfunctional as us, as annoying as us. I'll make sure they're brothers and sisters, that they love each other as much too.