Trapped

She looks out the window, wondering what the world has in hand for her.

Everything is moving very fast, so fast that she has no time to figure out why or how. All her life was about the next step. And now when she is asked what she wants, she's speechless. She knows, deep down, how she wants to live the rest of her life, but she also knows that the idea can never be approved by the rest of the world.

It's funny, how people ask questions, and judge us silently according to a certain mark scheme they have in their minds. 

She is sick of suppressing feelings, words, actions... She wants to be honest, to everybody, and herself, but she knows she isn't allowed to do so. There are expectations, and responsibilities, and self esteem. 

It is sad, and unfair, how the world is so beautiful, and we are just stuck here, trapped in a tiny corner, doing things we don't even want to do, achieving things that doesn't mean anything if it weren't for everybody else. 

She doesn't need much. Just smiles and laughers, and people. She wants to feel burden-less, she wants to be grateful when she wakes up every morning. She wants to love and be loved. She wants to smile because she has people who care, and them smiling because she's there. 

And right now, she just wants to be home so badly. One more hour.

The gravity's too much

Happy Sunday.

I promised an entry on results' day, so I'm just going to narrate my Friday.

Friday started at 9am, 3 hours, back-to-back of chemistry, and nobody was actually listening. But the fact that I'm getting my results in a few hours time hadn't really set in yet. It was just Friday being Friday on me. Easily distracted, way too excited for my after-class plans, like always.

The three hours were long, and then we went straight out at 12pm, met the boys halfway and took the LRT from Sentral to Dang Wangi for lunch. Lunch was 3 plates of roast pork, 3 plates of chicken chop, a roti Babi, a salted fish fried rice and a fried glass noodles. All these for 6 hungry college students. I have no idea how the boys stay so skinny. 

The line was long but not too long. At least they had an umbrella so we didn't have to roast under the noon sun. I don't even remember how we decided to come to this place. All I know is that Cong and I were drooling at pictures of roast pork during maths class the day before. The things we do for food...

Then we somehow ended up in KLCC *laughes*, and the only shop we (more like Belle and I) went into was Typo and Candilicious. My heavens on earth. Then we took the bridge to Pavilion, for nothing, and took the monorail back to college, just in time to collect the results. I didn't know I was capable in being THAT nervous. I swear.

I couldn't breathe properly when I was lining up, I couldn't even swallow my own saliva. I didn't want to face it, but I wanted to at the same time. This makes no sense I know. I had the paper in my hands, and I rushed out from the room, took a very deep breathe and turned it over with Janice by my side.

To be honest, I still have no words to describe how I felt at that very moment. I wasn't happy, or sad. Disappointed, mainly at maths. My worst case scenario was seeing a B on the paper, but that didn't happen. I guess I'm suppose to be grateful.

I called my mom, reported my results, and she told me it was 'not bad', that's when I started tearing up. Then I ranted about how unacceptable it was for me to screw up my maths so badly, and that the hope of getting an A* for it is probably nonexistent. But after giving a little thought to it, I realized that I cried, not because of disappointment. I cried because for the very first time that I needed a long, warm hug, she wasn't there. Much thanks to the girlfriends that gave me huge hugs to replace hers, with no questions asked. I really appreciate people who ask 'you okay?' instead of 'how was it?'. It means a lot to me, the fact that they place my well-being above my results.

I can't handle my parents saying 'it's okay, you've done your best, we are proud of you' when they clearly expected more from me. I'll just burst into tears whenever I hear them saying that. For real. 

Hugs and kisses to the cousin, who asked my how much my retainers cost instead of asking about my results. You made my day. Thanks for letting me know that this isn't everything, and that there's still so much more that life has for me, so much more to love and be happy about.

A huge bear hug to the guy who told me jokes over Whatsapp that night, who I know would do anything to cheer me up. I can imagine you googling and scrolling down a list of jokes and short listing them and copy-and-paste the ones that made the mark to our conversation. I appreciate your every effort.

A whole bucket of love to the siblings, who don't give two craps about my results, who are forever trying to make sure that I'm happy. I really need people like that in my life. People who joke at the most inappropriate times, because they have no idea that it's inappropriate, and they genuinely just want to make you smile.

To my parents, who always have such faith in me. Dad, who said 'very good' even before I told him the details, although he probably had no idea it was results day when I called him. Mom, who always know what to say, who I know, will always be ready with her hugs and kisses no matter what.

Man I miss home. 3 more days. I'm so claiming that hug.

Waste away

I slept at 1am last night, which is considered like really really late for me. All thanks to the existence of kidneys and neurones and plants. Blame the existence of life in general. I still don't agree with them stuffing plants into the syllabus. Plant die then buy new one la. Okay I just don't agree with biology I guess... I don't really care how my heart works or how my liver controls my blood glucose level. I don't even know why I'm taking the subject, or even A Levels. Why the hell am I studying?

Enough of ranting. I'm very happy this very night, actually. I awarded myself a night-off from the books, and pampered myself with PLL and the Originals, now wasting the night away on my bed. Ahhh if only life is like this all the time. Today was not bad at all, although classes still felt like forever. At least everyone was happy in college, and at home. So much happiness.

Tomorrow is the day, the day when we find out if we are capable of chasing our dreams. Yes it's really this serious. I mean, if you screw up AS, chances are your final result will be crap too cuz A2 is like genius level exams. And if you mess up A Levels, you'd have to reconsider your uni choices, or course choices... Or waste time to resit the papers... So basically the paper I'm getting tomorrow determines my life. I'm dead nervous about it.

On a lighter note, the day starts at 9 tomorrow, which means I don't have to wake up to my alarm. Yes little things like that cheer me up a lot. 9am means awesome satisfying breakfast with grapes and yoghurt and oats and cranberries and peanut butter... Sometimes I think that I'm too easily amused, and satisfied.

Okay I have to admit that this is a very boring post, reporting about my current life.

Next entry will be about my results. Stay tuned.

But you're friction

Now playing: Treacherous- Taylor Swift

This very Saturday was spent with my mom, strolling in MidValley, trying to pave my future. 

I think I'm one of the most greedy applicants in the country. Who in the world signs up for both dentistry and engineering degree programmes, both local and overseas? Yeah me. And I can't believe she finally admitted that her plan for me was medicine, half in Bukit Halil, the other half in Europe. And she didn't say that directly to me. She told some over-talkative, persistent, annoying counselor from some crappy university. 

Despite me being so very mentally worn out (a day in an education fair, calculating costs and trying to foresee the future is extremely challenging), being with mom felt good. It's like all of a sudden, I'm not so enthusiastic about leaving the country anymore. I'm too attached to the feeling of knowing I have a shoulder to lean and cry on, I have hands to hold on to when I'm about to fall. 

When the counselors asked me what I truly want, I had no honest, precise answer. What do I want? I want to feel comfortable, I want to wake up, looking forward to everything the universe has got for me, I want to go to bed feeling happy and satisfied with my day. I know what I'm saying is as ambiguous, as vague as anything can be, but it's the genuine truth. My truth.

Sometimes, I wonder, what's the point of looking so far, thinking about what's gonna happen in a few months time, when you can be thoroughly happy right here right now. Aren't we suppose to live, naturally, day after day, enjoying the most of what we have in our hands, instead of trying so hard to multiply joy and wealth.

Reasons why I never take videos. I realised, when we are recording what is majestic and memorable to us, we tend to focus more on the screen of our recording device, an hence forgetting to actually look at the real, undigital, picture. And I feel that this is exactly what's going on right now. 

I think I need some sort of therapy right now...

But thy eternal summer shall not fade

Dear 2014,

I like how you came barging in with such joy and enchantment. 

I'm blogging from the gym again, on the cycling machine. It is yet another weekend, after 2 days of college, and an eternity of early-rising (it was just two mornings but boy it was tough). 

I have mixed feelings towards the weekends here. Of course I anticipate them, all week long, and I'm glad and grateful for them. But on the weekends, I tend to give more thoughts to home. And very often, I have this urge to pack up and take an impromptu trip back, and then back out, realizing its not worth the 50 bucks and I'll just miss home more the following weekend. I guess this is the problem you have to face when home is really not that far away.

Page 5 of 365, so far so good. 

I marked down all the important dates on my calendar, and noticed that this early half of the year is really, really short. I can feel time flying by already. CNY starts early this year. Trials on the final day of March. A2 in early May. It feels like I'm on some express course where the time is compressed into tiny aerosol cans. 

My housemates and I were already promising each other that we'd stay till the very end of May before heading home for good (till uni starts, that is), and go on trips and adventures together. 

I am not looking forward to A2. I'm honestly very afraid to go there. But life is life. I guess we're all suppose to enjoy and watch the magic work on us.

Favorite line this week: If people were rain, I was drizzle, and she was a hurricane.