We're not broken just bent

Hey whaddup??!

Happy Friday, happy Wesak, happy whatever. As usual, being a Friday, today was awesome.

I woke up at 6.30, walked in the morning air of KL at 7.15 to the station and caught the 8am train home. I got to touch Shiloh for the first time, and I didn't know it was possible for me to love a dog like I love my family. He is the cutest thing  you'll ever come across. His ever-wagging tail, his puppy dog eyes, his way-too-long floppy ears... He reminds me of Looney, except that he's alive, all warm and huggable.

(Just FYI, I'm currently sitting my sports club's toilet as I type this. Must be the food from Pasar Malam last evening.)

So I got to spend my time with the first puppy that belongs to my family. I've babysat plenty of dogs, but this time, I don't have to dread for that moment when their owners come back and bring them home. It felt good. :)

And I ate a lot today. Started the day with McDonald's cuz Subway is a lazy ass which doesn't open at 7.30. And then came back to scones and cookies and ect ect... Went to JJ to fight for some 50% offs, got a phone call from the ever-busy bro, came home saved my brother's toe (football almost killed his toe and nobody was home so I had to play doctor) and spent some time with the best friend, talked, like A LOT. 

(Now in the changing room sitting on the bench like I own the place.) 

Gonna shower and go for supper soon with my parents. I was gyming until shit happened. (Like literally.) Oh my God, I think my dad has some badminton fantasy where he thinks that he's Lin Dan's twin or something. He's either really bored or he's addicted to badminton. Severe addiction. He can volunteer to do the chores just so we can leave the house as soon as we finish dinner. I'm amazed.

Oh crap I think my mom is in the other changing room. Better go before she starts yelling for me. Ciao. Happy weekends :)

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none

- quote dedicated to Ryan. And Happy Legal :)

I've been doing some thinking these days. I realized I've been caring too much, in a negative way. I worry too much about what people thinks, about how I look in their eyes. Maybe I'm just getting a bit paranoid. 

'Those to mind don't matter, those who matter won't mind.' I saw this somewhere some time ago, and it finally makes sense. 

We spend a lifetime trying to impress people who are negligible in our lives, due to various reasons. Be it for a promotion or for popularity or because of raging hormones and shit, but really, what are we trying to do? What about those people who are forever on stand-by mode right by your side, forever ready to catch you when you fall?

Sometimes, I feel like I'm chasing some things for no reason at all, or for mere satisfaction. These things constantly roam my mind like they own the place when they don't really worth that amount of anxiety and attention.

So here's to the people who listen to me rant, those who put up with my flaws willingly, those who gave their silence and their advice in late night conversations (and non-late night conversations).

They deserve so much more acknowledgement that I'm giving, and I promise I'll make it up to every one of you. 

Hey, you know, this could be something

I LOVE today, and I don't want it to end.

It's another week gone. Gosh, time is moving too fast, I'm having problem keeping up. It's like life doesn't give a damn if you manage to adapt to the changes or not. It just keeps on throwing new challenges at you to cope with and you have to choice but to comprehend. Right now, I just wish that I could hit a pause button so I could maintain status quo for a little while. I'm fed up of all the uncertainties and guessing and trying really hard to make sure I don't cause trouble. Cuz the truth is, if being a decent human being means creating the minimal amount of problems, then I'm seriously failing terribly.

People get angry at me way too much, and most of the time, I'm totally oblivious of what I've done. I have the worst instincts anyone can ever have. I have problem feeling and knowing stuff that are left untold. I don't even know that someone is mad at me until somebody else tells me, let alone knowing the reason why. I don't have the slightest idea about who likes who or who is in the middle of Cold War with who unless someone tells me so, although it may seem obvious to everyone else. And I'll end up with an expression as if the cure for AIDS was discovered when everyone is just 'I can't believe you didn't realize...' -.-

Yeah yeah I fail as a girl. I know that already. And I can't tell if two people are together unless they hold hands in front of me. Like seriously. I'm that bad. 

My point being, sometimes I just wish that people could actually come up to me and say that I've got on their nerves because (insert reason) so that I can have something to apologize for. Or I'll just end up waiting and observing blindly like an idiot cuz I'm not even sure if they're really angry or just moody or PMS-ing. 

You can't just get mad at someone out of the blues and start to make their lives a living hell and not tell them why. That's just not fair. Most of the time, that person will just be debating with herself wether you're still friends or not and if she should say sorry, and if yes, for what. Not everyone can read minds or sense problems. There's no answer at the end of the book for me to refer to. So humor me, please.

I have I admit that I'm terribly flawed, and I'm superb at attracting problems. I'm sorry if I may seem like a bitch to you, but the truth is, it's really not my intention. There's no single person in my social cycle that I hate. Nobody at all. And if I don't like you that much, I'll just reduce the contact with you. That's all. I won't go making sure that you hate your life or stuff like that. Not my style. Maybe that WAS me, I don't know. I hope it wasn't. But I can swear that I'm trying damn hard to be a better person. 

So please, at least give me a reason to say sorry for. 

So I'm puttin' my defenses up

Another awesome Friday, checked.

It all started with a boring Moral paper. It was probably the most pointless paper I've ever sat for in my life. Okay, maybe one of the most pointless papers, but it was so pointless I didn't even bother to think for the structural part. And I don't normally do that. They wasted like SO many papers. I mean, hello???!!! Penguins are dying you idiots :(

Okay I really need to stop over-thinking and just go sleep. Can't think of a suitable topic to talk about right now. 

Throw it away, forget yesterday

My whole life was about never-ending changes of environment and adapting to them. I realized its time I create something more permanent in life. I don't really know how to do that, yet, but I'm trying. I'm tired of forever having to work hard to settle with new groups of people, changing myself to blend in. It's really frustrating, when you see everybody being so at home and you're the
only one struggling to be more like them.

And there are the people. I don't know why, but I can't seem to keep people in my life long enough. I don't have a person to point to and say, 'I've known him or her all my life and we're still close as ever.' People tend to leave, or in some case, I'm the one leaving. Or sometimes, things just fade silently without anyone noticing.

I think there's only one, single, person I can tell all my problems to without having to filter them. And I don't even see him often. I guess its easier to grunt and complain to him cuz he is not directly in contact with any other friends. Otherwise, I normally just categorize the problems and tell them to different, specific people. Thanks to my ever-changing social group.

They say, the more you adapt, the more you learn, and yes, I've seen all kinds of people. I've learnt to deal with them, and control my emotions so I won't go around slapping bitches I see, but sometimes I just want a place where I can call home...