adaptation

My parents never bothered to put study tables in our rooms at home, and I never felt comfortable facing the wall for hours. We never had a study room until I moved out, so throughout high school I spent my studying nights in the common study area upstairs, where my siblings spent their time rushing homework. Daytime, I'd study at the dining area, occasionally at the table behind my house, because I've always found peace in the sound of flowing water. Or maybe I just liked to act as if I was in some temperate country, which explains the cookies and tea I'll have with me.

Throughout college, we had tables placed next to each other in the common space, and I literally spent ALL my time there, except for bedtime. When uni started, I had to get used to staying in my room as long as I'm not outside, because my landlord made the living room into another room (-.-).

It was super difficult at the beginning. Especially during weekends when I had nowhere to go. I never understood how people can spend days in their rooms, not having the need to just go outside. I still make it a point to at least take a stroll downstairs to buy food or get filtered water, but I'm adapting.

I didn't like it because it was too quiet, too claustrophobic, and then I kept the windows open, which changed everything. Not having the luxury of a mini waterfall, I learnt to like the sound of cars racing along the highways, and occasional bursts of laughter of kids swimming downstairs. My favourite is still the rain (I have a thing with water).

I guess change is inevitable, and we're warriors like that.

Picture from Kimmie the friend in NZ :)

written truth

Click here if you want to read what my mind has to say.

Should've started running

Last week was fast. Like really fast. I left home, took a train back to reality, and here I am, five minutes into the last Sunday of the month, procrastinating (after watching a movie) and hungry. Exam is in a week, exactly a week, I don't know if I'm prepared for it, but I just want it to be over so badly. If it's over, I don't have to spend my Saturday nights alone, hungry (sorry but I'm just really sad when I'm hungry). I would be at home, with people who are always prepared to take me out for supper, or just be my entertainment when I'm bored.

Tumblr really isn't making the situation better right now. It's one of those nights where people reblogs pictures of parfait and gourmet burgers, and I just really want a box of nuggets from McDonald's. So I'm just gonna go lie down and hope that sleep fills up stomachs too.

It didn't make sense then

I wish I am as strong as you. I wish I can turn around, take a step towards the opposite direction, drag the other foot along and step again, and fight every urge to look back. 

So many long sleepless nights, telling myself, promising that I'll start, and then chicken out the next morning. The dark is too comforting, because everything seems prettier when part of it is left unseen. I guess the morning sheds too much light, bright enough for me to notice everything that could go wrong along the way.

It's 7.30pm and it's not dark outside, not yet. The world is coated with a layer of blue, the kind of blue that makes me feel uncomfortable. It's one more day spent stuck in the static present. A day spent with no change. Gosh I'm such a coward. 

You once told me, very nonchalantly over a tall glass of cold coffee, that people don't always register what you're giving to them. Be it your faith or your entire heart or your soul even, they don't always see the signicance of it. And they don't (and will never) be obligated to give anything in return. It's how it works. 

You said that we must always come back to ourselves, and make sure that we are protected from the unfairness and the cruelty the world has against us, as selfish as it may seem to those who are observing. Because nobody will feel what you feel, your emotions will always belong to you and only you. The frustration, the tears, the urge to scream at the top of your lungs, you're the sole being that will experience that. 

People is going to judge and say all kinds of things about you, and it's going to hurt you, so much that you wished you didn't instead. But at least dip down, you know that you're free, free from the fences you've been building around yourself. 

Your boldness, it's stunning.

10 facts

1. He prefers vanilla to chocolate and I'll never understand

2. He can park way to well for a person who just got rid of his P

3. We both love Lin Yong Pao but he wins

4. He's scared of heights and total darkness

5. We are total opposites when it comes to reading, photography, gaming and anything artsy

6. His mom still wakes him up in the morning 

7. He will never understand my failure to sense directions or memorise facts/names or my obsession over overly spicy chilli pan mee 

8. He claims that he's more Chinese than me but guess who went to Chinese schools all her life and actually took Mandrin as a subject 

9. He's all for big surprises but I'm a 'picking you up for ice cream' kinda person

10. I'm trying to teach him how to cook 

Sometimes, I look and my life and ask myself what's the point of this.

more than just a peck on the lips

I've came to know (of course) that love isn't proved by you throwing yourself in front of a train to push someone away from the track, or promising that you'll think about each other every full moon. I mean, come on, so you're just going to think about somebody you love so deeply three nights in a month? I've grown to learn that you can't save a fading love with just a kiss in the pouring rain, or leaving a handwritten letter by their doorstep. You talk it out, instead of sealing their lips with yours. You do whatever it takes to see them, wrap your hand around their wrist so that they can't run away and slam the door in your face.

Nicholas Sparks tells stories in a way that he makes us (some of us, ie, Me) believe that great life-saving gestures, or romantic element of surprises are what that define love. It is obviously not true, but he made us believe that love is more easily obtained than it really is. He glorified it all, when it's really not entirely flowers and letters on scented papers. 

I was aware of this. And yet I read (and very much enjoyed) all his novels. They're good worlds to live in, once in awhile, to take myself away from reality. 

So when I heard that this genius of a story-teller got a divorce with his wife of 25 years, I was speechless. My first thought was "either everything he has written about just doesn't work, or that his wife is a really tough customer", but after giving deeper thoughts to it, I realised how naive I was, to even relate Noah or John or Landon to a real life marriage, or any relationship for that matter.

It's not about one big action that will instantly change everything. It's everything you so every single day, the efforts you put in, the part of you that you're willing to surrender just to make something work. A diamond ring means nothing, if you disappear into your own life after giving it to her. A new iPhone isn't going to make things better if you don't even call to say goodnight.

I'm not here to criticize on a failed marriage. I just want to express my realization, because most of the things published, or sold in the market, they are so brilliantly packaged that we don't even have a hint of doubt before we decide to just trust whatever we come across. Things in a screen, in printed words, on papers or books, they can never be fully trusted.

the brioche was too dry and fluffy

more toast than french toast imo

but the homemade espresso ice cream + cookie crumbs + berry compote tho

always

So I spent my Christmas week in Taiwan. We skipped TaiPei this time, and took a train straight to TaiChung after landing in TaoYuan Airport. We spent 2 nights in TaiChung city, and traveled to NanTou, up the mountains. Another 2 nights, one in Sun Moon Lake and another one in HeHuanShan. Then we moved East, through countless mountains (and a 13km tunnel), towards HuaLian, and spent a night by the Pacific ocean, and then another night in YiLan, in a hotel with a natural hot spring tub in our room. The trip ended with a night in XiMenDing, TaiPei city. 

Honestly, the schedule didn't cover much, because after I came back, I did a little bit of comparing with schedules of other tours (we didn't follow a tour, just relied on our driver), and realised that there were so much more we didn't get to see. But nonetheless, it was one of the best trips ever. We didn't really shop, just the final night in TaiPei, and we didn't really had very superb Taiwanese cuisine, because we mainly had all our meals in tiny local shops that were highly specialised in very limited items. But the fact that the five of us were stuck together, literally 24/7, it was amazing. It made me realise how much time I've spent away from them, the things I've been missing, the inside jokes that I failed to understand.

We squeezed into 4+1 rooms, instead of dividing into 2 and 2+1 rooms. It was quite chaotic, considering that there was only one bathroom, and you can't really move around in the middle of the night without announcing to the entire family that you're not asleep. But it was very sweet, having everyone with everyone. Having meals together, going to bed together, traveling through mountains and ranges together. It was more like an intensive bonding programme than a trip. It was a wonderful opportunity to learn about every single member of the family, and a little bit more about myself too.

Living together, you take each other for granted, because, well, you see them every day. Living away, you miss them, but (just admit it) for the most selfish reasons. You miss the love, the attention and all the convenience that comes with it. You miss mom settling everything for you, you miss you siblings always being your company, always at your disposal. You miss dad buying you everything upon request. Living away, then being on a trip with them, it's different. You learn how to enjoy having them, and know what it is like for them to be with you. And you learn to love them a little bit more, not because you miss them, but knowing that they miss you too. There's a difference. 

I always thought that going on a trip with friends would be far more exciting, and happening. It's still true in a way, because my family ends the day by 11pm during the trip, and my parents are so much more careful and paranoid than all my friends might be. But there's also a lot that you can only enjoy with the people you grow up with, the people who will always love you the most. 

And maybe, just maybe, they're the reason why I don't want to grow up.

12.30am

Discovery by the bae and I:

So our body produces Cortisol when we're stressed. And Cortisol increases gluconeogenesis (making of glucose) and decreases bone formation.

This probably explains why Asians, especially the yellow-skinned ones, are so short.

We are generally more stressed up than other people since young. Which causes a higher release of Cortisol, decreasing our bone formation, stunting out height a little. 

And we tend to develop higher blood glucose level too because of the increase in gluconeogenesis.

Genius.