Flipping the page

Uncountable hugs and goodbyes. Letters, notes and bittersweet smiles. It's life trying to seal a chapter and push me into the next. As reluctant as I am to move on, as comfortable as I am right now, I guess I don't have much of a choice.

My first weekend post-A Levels, and I realized how much time I've invested on A2, how studying and revisions have basically dominated my life. The thing that I'm most happy about is not having to calculate the hours I didn't spend studying and trying to compensate them by staying up late. Finally, I can wake up, and think of what I want to do today, and not the chapters and past years I need to cover. It feels almost strange, not even sitting on my study spot anymore. Lying in bed at 11pm, zero guilt, just because I was too tired and lazy to be productive.

It's probably not like that for most people, but for me, ending college means ending a part of my life. It literally involves packing my life there into boxes and moving them back home. My entire life, all my routines, are going to change, or rather have changed. Nothing stays the same. Nothing. And that scares me, because of the uncertainties, the unknown, not knowing what's heading towards me.

I don't know how I'm going to spend my time anymore. I don't know who to call when I want to go out for a spin. I don't know what to think of before I go to sleep. There are so many things that I will miss, but the most prominent one is my apartment and the people that came with it. It's like somebody telling me that I can't live with my family anymore, or even call them my family. It's like life telling me that time is up, and that I have to cast them out, only allowing me to keep the memories.

What hurts the most isn't saying goodbye. It's saying goodbye while forcing a smile, not knowing when you'll see each other again, and acting like you do thinking that that's somewhat more comforting for both parties.

What I really want to do

undust my camera

wake up at 6am one day

dress up - tank top and shorts

grab a cap, a bottle of water and some snacks

hop into a car with my wanderlust buddy(ies)

drive 

somewhere, anywhere

picnic breakfast in the car

music, sunrise

stop at villages

discover

candid shots

local delights

get lost, find our ways

waste our entire day away, pointless

return at sunset

Squirrel

A2 is driving me nuts.

Pixie dust

My first Mother's Day away from home. 

Her first Mother's Day in many years without waking up to a full-scale breakfast spread.

My first time writing her a proper letter.

Her first proper letter in a decade.

My first time saying sorry.

Her first time telling me that I'm perfect enough for her.

My first time tearing at a text message that woke me up.

Mom, I knew that I love you, and that you love me more, since I could think and speak. I grew up comparing what I had to what everybody else had, thinking that I never got enough, that you never gave enough, that you were not perfect, as if I was. I apologize for that.

I used to swear under my breath when you asked too much, when you spoke too much, calling your concerns annoyance. I apologize for that too.

Now I understand how much you've given me, how much you've taught me. I had more than enough, I was just looking at the wrong things. I know there is nobody else in the world who can love me as much as you do, even if I've made the most unforgivable mistakes. I can never come across anybody else who would tell me that I'm perfect to them after they've seen the way I throw my temper like the world owes me everything when things don't go my way. You've seen every flaw I have, and yet you can cross your heart and tell me that you love me beyond my intolerable imperfections that even I myself cannot comprehend. 

I thought to myself, 'what have I done to deserve such love?', and then I realized how shallow I've been these 18 years. I would grunt when I find your care to be excessive, I wished that you would be one of those nonchalant mothers who allowed their kids to do anything they want, I hoped you wouldn't be the way you were... Why do I even deserve you? When you'll always be a shoulder to cry on, even that you've warned me that I'd get hurt, and I decided to overlook your advice, I basically went head first into my own death trap, and you'd be there telling me that I'll get through, and then silently fix my life for me.

I don't believe in religions, but if I really had to pick one, it would be you.

You gave me life, let me grow, taught me, loved me, cared for me like all the superior powers care for their believers. There is nobody worth my total faith but you.

You sprinkle all the magic dusts you've gathered for decades, and sprinkle it all over me, stand back and watch me shine, but yet you never seemed to ask for a little tinge of credits. You say that I'm young, that I still have an entire life ahead of me, but you're young too. 

I wish you've kept some for yourself, because shining for your wouldn't be half as fun as shining with you.

guided by a beating heart

keep breathing

almost there

Sometimes I just let Tumblr do all the talking.

" It doesn't matter how you plan it. It doesn't matter how you envisionit. Without even knowing it, sometimes life has a way of finding youwith exactly what you need. Or with exactly who you need."

- One Tree Hill

-

hello May

22 days

22 days to freedom

22 days to be officially done with Pre-U

22 days to life

spent the first morning of May 2014 studying with this view

it was so quiet, I suppose everyone in town slept in

birds chirping > mosquitoes

banana bread (or cake or cake-bread) mom made upon my request

bananas are like magic dust

they make everything taste better

so does chocolate

and eggs

funny how they can't be mixed together

last minute trip to the book store on the last day of April to spend 250 bucks

swore that I'd get at least two books that actually contains a little philosophy

books that are actually deeper and will benefit me intellectually

was holding Catcher in the Rye and the Alchemist

saw How to Fall in Love and an upper rack filled with John Green and decided to be a total girl instead

came home and had to make space in my yet-to-be-read shelf

tried to dump all the read and probably-won't-be-read-ever books into the practically-abandoned shelf 

only to realise that I'm running out of space

and that all I've read were chick flicks and Jodi Picoults

explains a lot