things to love

Baby Shiloh.

Hey I've missed you.

I'm a dark chocolate person, but once in a while, insanely sweet chocolate with almost zero cocoa and way too much milk makes me happy too.

Especially when it comes with chunks of nuts and cookie crumbs.

Pizza.

'nough said.

From the magical Disneyland, flown in with love.

A gift to keep. *winks*

Introducing, my parents who flew to Nepal, just to climb a Himalayan mountain for 2 weeks, took a while to find data connection, and the first thing they sent me was a picture of them drinking beer, telling me, happily, that beer was as cheap as water there.

“Maybe happiness didn’t have to be about the big, sweeping circumstances, about having everything in your life in place. Maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of small pleasures. Wearing slippers and watching the Miss Universe contest. Eating a brownie with vanilla ice cream. Getting to level seven in Dragon Master and knowing there were twenty more levels to go. 

Maybe happiness was just a matter of the little upticks- the traffic signal that said “Walk” the second you go there- and downticks- the itch tag at the back of your collar- that happened to every person in the course of the day. 

Maybe everybody had the same allotted measure of happiness within each day. 

maybe it didn’t matter if you were a world-famous heartthrob or a painful geek. Maybe it didn’t matter if your friend was possibly dying. 

Maybe you just got through it. 

Maybe that was all you could ask for.”

Ann Brashares, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

your smile, it links to mine

I like how we click

I like how we can laugh to the most random things that are unrelatable to anybody else

I like how we have almost zero drama

I like how we stand by each other like siblings

I like how we love each other like couples

I like how we pushed each other through our worst moments

I like the smile on everyone's faces when we realised that we're having our last class in the classroom we had our first lesson ever in college

our last lunch in college

of our usuals

our healthy and unhealthy favourites

you can't get roti peanut butter pisang everywhere

and Indomee doesn't taste this good everywhere either

the most fabulous boys you can ever find

those smiles

sisters from different families

who share husbands

who know each other's favourite food

who know how blessed we are to have each other

The last time

They said we have 18 months. They lied.

16 months ago, I entered MCKL, doubtful of my decision. And boy I doubted myself. The hall was cold, people were all in cliques, and I was too, sticking with my friends from home. 

2 days of orientation were dreadful. Long and tedious and pointless. 

First day of class was scary. I knew practically nobody, and nobody knew me. I felt as if I belonged in a corner. I remember thinking to myself, wondering how I am going to survive the rest of the semester.

And right here, right now, I'm way to attached to college, to this apartment, to the people that come with it. It's almost like things have reversed. Now I have no idea how I am going to survive the subsequent days without college. What do I do after waking up in the morning? Who do I tell my stories to? Wait, will there even be stories to tell anymore? Those lazy long walks to college? Will I ever get to walk that road ever again after leaving? Probably not. 

That very road to college isn't the safest road. People got robbed, we were followed one night in the first semester... The road condition has never been good. Puddles everywhere after the rain, water dripping from the monorail railway, dog poop forever ready to sabotage us... But that very road, we talk about the dreams we dreamt of as we walk, fast paced, to catch our 8am classes. That very road, we talk about our days as we saunter, lazily, back home after a long day of lessons... That very road, we laugh and tease each other, while carrying our groceries, after a day out shopping for food or a morning trip to the Sunday market.

I wanted A Levels to end so badly. I still do. But I want to keep the little things. How greedy...

It's almost 2am now, I should sleep. 

It's the last time of 8am to 4pm classes tomorrow. Last bio, physics and maths lectures. I don't think there will be much lecturing tomorrow. I'm just going for the sake of cherishing whatever that's left to be cherished. 

I don't know about everyone else, but 16 months weren't enough. 

 

 

sitting on the floor surrounded by these colourful balloons

 

 

i'm scared of balloons

Hey you

Being mad at you was hard. So hard.

I spent the whole night arguing with myself.

'I wanna talk to him. Maybe I should just quit being mad and message him.'

'No, he needs to learn his lesson.'

'But maybe he already has?'

'Nah he hasn't...'

All night long.

so mad at myself right now I can't even

Slept at 2, woke up at 6.30 to pee and can't seem to fall asleep again.

Dear world.

I can't wait for A2 to end. I can't wait for all this staying up to do past years, this feeling of guilt after a whole day out to terminate. I want to be free again. I want to be able to do whatever crap I feel like doing without having to think about my study plans. I want to have the privilege of doing nothing all day but read the Divergent trilogy that's been lying on the top shelf, all lonely and waiting to be flipped open. I want to be able to just get up and go to places.

One more month. One more month and I'll be a free soul.

This is torturing.

On a brighter note, I'm finally going home this Thursday. Gosh I need this. This pamper, being treated like a rare species, getting to make all the meal decisions and watch food magically appear on the table upon my request, home cooked or not. 

Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday.

3 more days. 3 more days of staying up late and waking early. I can do this.  

Best things in life

Being alone at home all day, thinking that dinner will be just me, myself and my everyday pan of stir fried vege and eggs and maybe a slice of pork chop, then getting a call from someone, asking me out on a dinner date.

Knowing that my family misses me as much as I miss them.

When mom tells me that my health and happiness are way more important than my trials result.

Goodnight and good morning messages.

Long, tight, bear hugs.

Climbing into bed after a long, happy day.

Laughing uncontrollably.

A drop in the ocean

Posting from the new phone for the first time. *victory sign*

Yesterday started off really badly. For the first time ever in my life, I had a blank-out in the middle of a paper, the paper being math. I was pretty upset after that, cuz I couldn't do the last 3 questions. I swear I just stopped functioning and nothing made sense to me.

After a coffee break came a horrifying chemistry paper 5. Here's how it went:

Flips over paper, flips through the booklet, read the main questions, laughs to self, scratches head, stares at the questions, have no idea what they want, panics, starts writing whatever that comes to mind.

Yup that's basically it. It was so so bad that I didn't even know how to construct a table for it. I had no clue what I'm expected to find or show. I just blindly did whatever calculations I'm able to do with the limited information given. 

God it was so scary...

But that god the day proceeded well. And I bought a phone cover for 3 bucks (original price being 23) and Disney themed underwear from Uniqlo (lol) just because they were way too cute to pass.

Gotta hop out of bed later and have Pan Mee breakfast with the clan, and it's off to ShangriLa to meet my mom (more like watch movies in the hotel room till her conference is done). I'm just really glad that I get to enjoy their hotel buffet breakfast spread tomorrow. One of the best I heard :)

It feels like my entire A Levels is over, though I still have statistics to sit for on Monday, and I haven't done a single pass year. Kill me. 

b r a i n . d e a d

she can't sleep if it's not past 1.30am

she wakes up automatically at 6am

and today

she decided to move it forward to 4.40am

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? You can't just wake the whole system up at the strangest time and then decide that you're tired and stop working in the middle of the day. Things don't function like that. You're suppose to rest, throughout the night, and then wake up to the alarm and be good for the rest of the day. Is this really that hard of a rule to abide to?

And I have a maths paper at 8.30am later, bless my soul, followed by written experiment for Chemistry, which I basically have nil knowledge about. My genius brain thinks that it's really fun to screw with my entire system at 4.40am. She doesn't make any sense. Guess I'll be screaming for coffee again before chem. In fact, I don't even feel fresh right now. It's like, my body is begging for rest but my head just refuses to grant its wishes. I don't know how I'm going to last till noon. Yesterday was bad enough...

Guess this is just me during exams. Everything goes haywire. Everything loses it's routine. 

Frankly, I don't feel very stressed. Of course there's more tension than usual, but I don't feel like I'm being pulled so tight that I'm going to snap. I feel quite normal, but my body and mind is telling me otherwise. I literally have zero energy to do anything that requires movement after coming home from a paper. I tried running 2 days ago but god I can still feel it now. I expected to feel it in my legs a little, but right now even my abs and arms ache. Maybe it's really not that bad since it's like a 3-in-1 promo. Run and work all legs, abs and arms. But that's not the point. The point is, there's something wrong with me.

The emotion part of the side effect of trials wore off since the exam started. Weird I know. But I think I was my most emotional self last week. It was quite bad really, given that I tried so hard to suppress it but people could still tell. It was so bad that even my mom was worried. She's normally quite happy when I'm stressed out because she always complain that my stress threshold is too high, or I'm incapable of being stretched because I'm too stubborn and too absorbed in my own theories that I don't have a certain amount of healthy tension to push me forward. Which is kind of true. I usually feel less than normal people do. 

For the first time in forever, I told her that I screwed up my papers, and she replied with a 'never mind la'. My reaction was 'huh? What never mind?'. I was expecting her to rant about how I never study ahead, and how I study with my phone beside me and stuff, but she gave me none of that. I didn't even know how to react to 'nevermind' because I've never done it before.

Sigh it's 6.40am. Maybe I should try doing another paper. Or at least read two experiments before I make my PB&J for breakfast.

Nothing short of my everything

"Because that’s what life is about. It’s about the time when you lay in the grass next to those you love. It’s about the color of the sky. It’s about a roaring fire on a winters evening. You’ve got to realize that everybody bleeds, and that everybody hurts. Everybody laughs, and everybody smiles. That’s what it’s all about. That’s all it is. There is no set meaning of life, there is nothing that can be defined, or written. It’s a matter of sculpting your very own definition."

- unknown.