Thoughts

Wants and expectations, are they not the same?

One of my worst habits that I can't seem to break. Comparison.

The most frustrating and confusing part is that I know that it's unhealthy, that it's not what I should be focusing on, but I just can't stop putting things together and rating them silently in my mind. Usually it's myself, and another person of the subject matter. No matter how strong the 'no' I tell myself, I will still end up comparing.

I can't stand the thought of not being better, or the same level as my untold opponent. Of course this does not apply to everything, but when it comes to something I'm obsessed about, I spend all my energy calculating and measuring, making sure that I'm not behind anyone. It is a useful habit, when it comes to certain aspects, but when it goes a bit overboard, I'd be drained at the end of the day, cuz it's all I can concentrate on. 

If I really want that A, I'd spend every waking hour sitting by my study table, even when my brain can't take it anymore, even when I'm drifting away more than anything else. I feel guilty, if I leave that table. I feel like I owe the universe, when I put down that book to do something unrelated. I sit there, not telling myself that I need to study for my own good. There will be this voice inside of me, screaming, saying that every minute I spend doing something else, is a step further away from winning.

This can be applied everywhere, on everything. I cannot bear having things out of my reach to control. I can never trust anyone, or fate even, to decide how things go. I never play cards, or computer games, video games, because they all defy my need to know what's going to happen next.

I probably sound insane, controlling, paranoid... But again, this does not refer to every single thing in life. It's just, sometimes I wish I could let go, and enjoy the ride, look out the window, let the wind take me wherever it wants. But I doubt it's ever going to happen.

It is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.

One more set of Chemistry paper one till I hit my target for today, but oh well, I deserve a break. I really wonder how I can be so exhausted when all I did today was going for bio extra class, came home, studied, ate, gymed, ate, studied, had dinner, studied. Yeah this pretty much sums up my entire day. I mean, the only energy consuming part was gym, and it feels like I've ran a full 42km marathon. 

Janice thinks that we're getting old. Maybe it's true.

I want (and need) to go home. I need to rethink, regather my thoughts, and get to know myself again. Because right now, I really don't see any purpose of doing anything except to study. There are so many people I miss talking to and hanging out with. People that have this magical power of making all the troubles in the world disappear. In short, I'm just missing a lot of things right now. I miss being myself. I miss saying stupid stuff and not worrying that I'll be judged. I miss loving and being loved by people I care about.

I hate how reality took away the freedom of calling up people and demanding for impromptu meetings. I hate how everyone, including me, have other obligations now. And I thought leaving home means having all the freedom in the world.

I regret how I took everything for granted. I miss ranting to my girlfriends and laughing like bimbos in class. I miss having things to look forward to every day. I miss Skyping the best big brother in the world until 3am or falling asleep on the phone. I miss making recaps of my day to my little sister as we lay in the dark and stare at the ceiling.

As grateful as I am for the people I have with me now, nothing can replace the memories and the moments of 2012. It was the best year, ever, when everything was almost perfect.

Sometimes, I have a really strong urge to go back in time, and tell the old-self to cherish every moment she has, cuz she's not going to get any of that back ever again. Even if I give up on everything I have right now, memories will always be memories, no matter how badly they're missed.

Adrenaline is awesome

I swear I'm surviving on adrenaline right now. I slept at about 1 last night, dreamt that I was dying in a playground, woke up at 5 today to surprise Mel again, and went to class at 9. Went straight to Times Square after class for lunch and ended up in IMAX watching the first ever horror movie in my life. Came home, watched an episode of my HK drama, went out for dinner with the peeps. Came home, had a rather paranoid time in the toilet taking my shower, mainly trying to avoid the mirror. Watched TVD, talked to people. And now blogging.

My head feels so weird I don't have words for it. I should be in bed but I smartly opened the Blogger app and ended up typing away on my ipad.

I am halfway through AS. More than halfway. And I haven't been studying for 3 days. Promised myself I'll complete 2 papers today, at least, but Chapter 16 of A2 biology really kept my brain saturated. I couldn't stop thinking about how many ATP synthase are rotating and adding Pi to ADPs the moment I move a muscle. I was quite appalled when they said that cells have other organelles besides the nucleus, plasma membrane and cytoplasm. They told us we had mitochondrion and mitochondrion have cristae, now they tell us that the inner membrane of mitochondrion have small carousel-like rotating enzymes that work like robots, and they are basically the reason why our hearts can even beat.

Honestly, surprisingly, the only papers that are still bothering me are the maths papers. I can't believe myself sometimes. I don't care if they'll raise the acing mark for biology 2 or whatever. I found it easy and it's enough to keep me happy till I get my results next year. 

Okay I shall go sleep before I literally crash on my study table. Nights people.

Lots of love.

When I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead

-Barney Stinson

Good morning.

It's a Sunday, a fairly sunny one. I just came back from our weekly stock-buying from the market and a very satisfying breakfast by the road side. Peanut porridge, red-plu-green beans soup and Chee Cheong Fun. Couldn't ask for a better meal to start a day of mugging. 

AS is in less than 2 days, although it's only maths and Bio practical this week, but still. I don't know how we did it, but we're actually sitting for the most important exam if our lives in less than a year after SPM. We had 2 years to prepare for SPM, which was like Kindergarten if you compare it to A Levels. Talk about not making sense.

My second semester of college ended last Friday. Celebrated it by gobbling quesadillas and burgers in Chilis and surprising someone and throwing him into the pool and hugging him after that and getting wet myself. Not very glamorous but I am grateful for it.

We have basically 4 to 5 months of classes left. Only a hundred over days of teasing and acting like kids. A hundred over days of spontaneous pork noodle trips, toilet trips, walks to Sentral... I swear I'll miss all of this like hell after next May (June is an exam month). One and a half years is way too short. It's cruel, really. You get really attached to people and then they tell you it's time to move on to another chapter. It's not fair.

I have no clue what I'm gonna do after next June. I'd love to go travel, but again, I'll be away from home for at least 4 years starting from fall, it's just not right to not be at home with the little time of 3 months I get to waste.

So much had changed since January. So so much I can't even list them down. I'm proud to say that all the changes are for the good. Okay maybe not all, but the significant ones yes. Things, friends, people, myself, basically nothing stayed the same through out these 10 months. I grew, I learnt, and I realized. One of the main lessons college had given me is that I have to stop sometimes and rearrange my thoughts, and invest more effort on whatever that's more important, and give less, much less, crap about the insignificants. You can't possibly be happy if you pay full attention to everything and try to be the best at everything, to please everyone.

College taught me to ignore unimportant comments and turn away for people who will never appreciate me and my efforts. I care both less and more now, only about different things. And I swear I'm as happy as I can ever be right now. I learnt that if a person is worth keeping, they will probably not be affected by whatever anyone else has to say about you, and I really hold on to that theory. There will always be people who are mad at you, people who think the worst about you, people who are jealous, people who hold on to grudges too much. Why care, when they are the only ones suffering? They can tell the world how terrible a person you are and all, but if you are strong enough to have faith in those you love, their words cannot take even a single drop of happiness from you.

Here's to whatever we have ahead of us. Cherish the moment, look forward to the future, love the ones who love you, hug the ones around you.

Let's waste time chasing cars

They say that it's a crazy world, but her life was far from crazy. She grew up, carefully cared for and monitored. She never got close to the edge, always traveling on the safest side of the road, with constant speed. Her life was steady and predictable, and she thought this was how it's suppose to be.

She did all the right things, granted all expectations, followed all the rules. But now, she thinks to herself, 'what if I don't want to be so safe anymore?'. 

She was so well-protected that she has no clue how to get in trouble and escape from it. All her life, her feet were standing by the brakes, ready to come to a halt whenever she sees a red light. She knows that she'd be useless if she lost her navigator. She had problem choosing between left and right without road signs. She stops by the sides when it's pouring outside.

She's tired of being overtaken, tired of the lack of excitement. 

The rainbow is right ahead of her, but if she doesn't hit the accelerator hard enough, it will fade.